November is National Homeless Youth Awareness Month

VISIT HOMELESSYOUTHAMONGUS.ORG FOR MORE DETAILS

Walk A Mile

Walk a Mile has been pairing policymakers with teenagers in foster care since 1994.

It's a one-month project to raise awareness about the challenges facing young people in foster care, wherein policymakers are paired with a young person living in foster care.

This program has been successfully implemented in 36 states, including Ohio.

Walk A Mile is currently looking for community organizations working with young people in foster care to coordinate 2008 projects. For more information, please e-mail patricia@walkamile.org

Update regarding trip to Washington DC

http://ohiofostercarealumni.blogspot.com

Press Release from Hillary Clinton

Senator Clinton introduces legislation to provide
support for youth 'aging out' of foster care

For Immediate Release
Contact: Clinton Press Office 202-224-2243 or press_office@clinton.senate.gov

Washington, DC — Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton introduced legislation today to provide individual development accounts to youth ‘aging out’ of foster care. The Focusing Investments and Resources for a Safe Transition (FIRST) Act provides foster youth financial support for critical independent living needs as they set out to develop self-sufficient, goal-oriented lives beyond the child welfare system. Senators Jay Rockefeller and Mary Landrieu are original cosponsors of the legislation.


“The needs of foster youth do not end after they leave the foster care system, and neither should our commitment to assisting them become productive and independent adults,” Senator Clinton said. “This legislation will provide a bridge to adulthood for some of our most vulnerable young people. I will continue to advocate for them and for this bill.”

Research indicates that youths aging out of foster care fare worse than their counterparts in the general population on a variety of social, educational, and health indicators. These youths report significantly lower levels of education and are more likely to be unemployed or homeless. Research also shows that foster youth do not receive the life skills education they need in order to be independent after aging out of the child welfare system.

The FIRST Act addresses this problem by providing foster youths with savings accounts so they can have funds set aside specifically for overcoming obstacles to independent living. The accounts will contain a federal deposit on behalf of foster youth matched by public and private community partners. After transitioning from foster care and completing money management training, youths would be able to withdraw these savings to pay for necessities such as educational opportunities, vocational training, and housing – elements critical for achieving self-sufficiency.

The bill follows the lead of smaller scale programs in cities and states all over the country. A program currently being piloted in New York City, Youth Financial Empowerment, will provide 450 New York City foster youths with Individual Development Accounts, or IDAs. Similarly, the Jim Casey Youth Opportunities Passport program offers IDAs to foster youth in several cities.

For more than 30 years, Senator Clinton has been a champion of efforts to help children in foster care and those aging out of the foster care system. As First Lady of the United States, Senator Clinton led numerous efforts to increase awareness about and support for youth aging out of foster care, and to increase the number of children who are adopted out of foster care.

Senator Clinton worked towards passage of the Adoption and Safe Families Act of 1997, which has more than doubled the number of children adopted out of foster care, and the Foster Care Independence Act of 1999, which doubled funding for the Federal Independent Living Program and helps older foster care children earn a high school diploma, participate in vocational training or education, and learn daily living skills. The legislation also requires states to serve youth up to 21 years old, which enables more young people to obtain a college education and allows states to provide financial assistance to these youth as they learn skills to enter the workforce. Finally, the bill allows states to extend health insurance coverage under Medicaid for foster care youth to age 21.

In the Senate, Clinton has worked to further increase the number of adoptions out of foster care by providing additional incentives for adopting older children and those with special needs and increasing the Adoption Tax Credit. She also has introduced legislation with Senator Olympia Snowe that would support relative caregivers who often offer stable, loving homes to children who would otherwise be in foster care.

In 2002, the Senator introduced the Opportunity Passport Act, which, among other provisions, called for the establishment of IDAs for youth aging out of foster care. In July 2007, the Senate passed the Higher Education Amendments of 2007 which included a measure championed by Senator Clinton to expand the definition of independent students to include youth in foster care, aging out of foster care or emancipated minors.

Waiting for Adoption

As one of the featured writers for Rainbow Kids Voices of Adoption, I wanted to let my readers know about free tools available on their website.

A Place to Call Home Act

As we approach Thanksgiving, it is important to remember the 3 million young people in the United States who lack safe places to live.

The National Network for Youth is championing legislation to prevent and end youth homelessness.

They posted an action alert on the Youth Policy Action Center asking concerned adults to contact elected officials with the message that every young American needs a place to call home.

For more information on how to speak out for homeless youth, please visit Project Street and learn more about the "A Place to Call Home Act."

Foster Families Use Your Voice

Navigating the Maze: Foster Parenting and Life: Foster Families Use Your Voice

My thanks goes out to foster parents and child welfare professionals who recognize the capabilities and potential of children in your care -- and are courageous enough to fight for them to receive support and services.

Please tell me more about experiences in advocating for foster children:

1.) Examples of when it has been successful
2.) Roadblocks when it hasn't
3.) Techniques that you have found to be most effective

Your insights will be used in a 2008 conference to 'train the trainers' of every county foster parent and social worker in my state. The information that you share can be anonymous.

Looking forward to hearing from you...

Miss Lisa Goes To Washington

During the week of Thanksgiving, members of Foster Care Alumni of America from all over the nation will visit 25 members of the US Congress and promote flexibility regarding child welfare finance.

The government served as our parents, and now we are coming home for the holidays.

- We represent the 115,000 foster children waiting to be adopted this Thanksgiving.

- We represent over 20,000 teenagers who age out of foster care every year and are left to fend for themselves.

- We represent siblings who have been separated and kinship care providers who are not given adequate support.

Flexible funding might make a positive difference by helping to prevent the need for foster care for some children, and moving others to safe, permanent families more quickly.

The way that the system is currently set up, states lose money if they decrease the number of children in foster care.

Ohio Senator Mike DeWine has said that with federal funds, “The government gets what it pays for…if the funds can only be used to place children in foster families, that’s how agencies will tackle the problem.”

The message that I personally want to send Congress is balanced and three-tiered.

1.) Prevent entry into foster care (if possible)
2.) Find permanent families (whenever possible)
3.) Provide after care and resources (no matter what)

Because the fact is that some families can heal and reunify - and others cannot. Some reunifications are successful, and others lead to reentry into the foster care system (often due to lack of aftercare). Some relatives provide safety and security - and others do not.

Some foster parents have a heart for teenagers - and others do not. Some agencies have a sufficient number of foster families willing to take teenagers - and others end up sending teens to residential placements and group homes because there is 'no room at the inn.'

But regardless of any precipitating factors, our 'parent' (the Government) has a responsibility to provide help to us after we age out of care.

After we 'emancipate.'
After we 'are terminated.'
After we are no longer in the custody of Children Services.
After we are 'not their problem,' we are still their responsibility.

Because my stepdaughters are my children forever. After they turn 18, and enter college, whenever they need help, I as the parent have a responsibility to them.

I know that, when I sit at the Thanksgiving table on Capital lawn in Washington D.C. looking at the two empty seats at the head of the table 'in loco parentis,' that is what I will be thinking of...

Our efforts are made possible due to our partnerships with the Kids are Waiting campaign, FosterClub, Casey Family Programs and Florida’s Children First.

Miracle Makers led to adversity

New York Times photographer Ozier Muhammed captured this moment after the young lady on the right was forced to wait nine years to be adopted by her foster mom (on right), due to ineptitude by the Miracle Makers foster care agency.

New York City paid hundreds of thousands of dollars a year to Miracle Makers foster care agency as per their contract to provide classes in independent living.

Yet when a 16-year-old client who was preparing to age out of foster care tried to enroll in one of those classes, she found out the truth: The independent living workshops did not exist. They had not been offered for over a year.

This is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to what was uncovered in the New York Times' investigation...

New York City officials had no reason to believe that Willie Wren, founder of Miracle Makers, was qualified to lead a foster care agency in the first place. He was a church deacon with no experience working in foster care.

Yet, in 1986, city officials approached Mr. Wren, telling him that they were flooded with abandoned children, due to drugs, AIDS homelessness and teenage pregnancy, and calling on him to help.

The staff and board members of Miracle Makers were equally unqualified. The board consisted of a pastor, a homemaker and a bank employee, none of whom had social work training or experience. Board members did not evaluate Mr. Wren’s performance, approve budgets or receive copies of financial statements.

The agency was staffed by family members of its founder; his wife, his niece, his sister and his sister-in-law. Additional staff members, recruited from the general public, reported lack of training.

How did Miracle Makers end up turning into a multi-million dollar agency?

For the most part, this was because its services were not subject to regulation. In 1991, the city’s foster care oversight committee was disbanded and replaced with cursory evaluations. While this might have saved the city money in the short-term, in the long-term this decision did nothing to safeguard the safety of children.

And so Miracle Makers continued to exist – and even expand.

The warning signs were evident:

1.) A letter from the State Office of Mental Retardation and Developmental Disabilities in 2001, citing serious flaws in its housing program for the mentally handicapped

2.) The results of EQUIP(Evaluation and Quality Improvement Protocol system) revealed that Miracle Makers was in last place regarding foster care; the waiting time to reunify children or free them for adoption was longest and their program to prepare teenagers for the adult world rated a zero.

Miracle Makers continued to finish at or near the bottom for the next three years.

3.) An investigation of Miracle Makers uncovered: huge caseloads, lax hiring practices, poorly supervised staff, poorly trained supervisors, unqualified administrators and an ineffectual board.

4.) Miracle Makers bounced at least 280 checks, costing their agency thousands of dollars in overdraft fees (one month, the overdraft fees totaled $2,340). Apparently no one on staff was trained in basic bookkeeping principles and funds for various programs were intermingled.

5.) Miracle Makers claimed to have spent $2,399 on Palm Pilots for pre-kindergarten children. Yet, when questioned by the city’s Education Department about why these devices were considered appropriate for such young children, the agency claimed to have ‘lost’ the Palm Pilots.

My greatest concerns are for the children and teenagers being ‘served’ by this ineffectual agency, such as:

- Two children who weren’t given counseling after being sexually abused, because of staff turnover and a foster mother who kept missing appointments

- One girl who was forced to languish in the agency’s care for nine years before being adopted by her foster mother. Miracle Makers did not file the petition to terminate her abusive father’s rights. Nor did they respond when the court threatened the agency with arrest for not showing up at hearings.

- Miracle Makers lost the documents necessary to terminate parental rights for another child, and as a result, she is still in foster care. In another case, staff neglected to read the birth certificate, and wasted time and resources proceeding against a man who was not the biological father.

To read more, please visit my source:
Weiser, Benjamin. City slow to act as hope for foster children fails. New York Times, Nov. 6, 2007.

Celebrate National Adoption Awareness Month

Postcard from www.fostercarealumni.org

November is National Adoption Awareness Month, reminding us all to be aware of the 114,000 children in the United States who are waiting to be connected with adoptive families.

This year's theme is Adopting Teenagers from Foster Care. Teens in the foster care system are statistically the least likely to be adopted - yet they need love and stability as much as children.

As a former foster child and current stepmom to two teenage girls, I can testify on many levels that the teenage years are challenging, and that providing emotional support and physically stability is vitally important.

How can you make the most out of National Adoption Awareness Month?

- Learn more about the Adoption Incentives Program and the Promoting Safe and Stable Families Program.

- Participate in Local Events.

- Contact your State Adoption Specialist.

Additional activity options are listed on the Adoption Month Calendar.

Please support the Boxer Bill

Picture of Mark Kroner of Lighthouse Youth Services, who is one of my personal heroes!


For most young people, graduating from high school marks an important step forward in their life as young adults.

But for young people aging out of the foster care system, this transition can result in a step back into their abusive pasts.

With no support available, they have no other option than to return to their families - the same families from which they were originally removed due to abuse or neglect.

If the state is a parent, during the ‘young adult’ stage of life, this parent often goes AWOL, and young people emerging from the foster care system find themselves being abandoned once more.

Mark Kroner of Lighthouse Youth Services recently wrote Senator George Voinovich, urging him to consider co-sponsoring Senator Barbara Boxer’s legislative initiative, The Foster Care Continuing Opportunities Act, S1512.

The Boxer bill recommends extending the foster care system until age 21. Many other states have already done this, thereby taking better care of their older foster youth than we are in Ohio.

After running an Ohio Independent Living program for youth aging out of the foster care system for the past 21 years, Mark Kroner has worked with thousands of youth in this situation. He knows beyond the shadow of a doubt that these young people are not ready to take over full responsibility for themselves at age 18, as is the current reality in Ohio.

Statistically, half of young adults ages 18-24 in the general population in the United States live at home with their parents, according Children's Rights. And yet every year, 20,000 of the 542,000 children in foster care nationwide "age out" of foster care and are expected to transition successfully to the adult world.

Supporting foster youth until age 21 isn’t just ethical – it is also practical.

A 2005 report by the Chapin Hall Center for Children at the University of Chicago found that young people who were allowed to remain in foster care beyond the age of 18 were 200 % more likely to be working toward completion of a high school diploma and 300% more likely to be in college. They were also more likely to be insured, have better mental health and far less likely to be victims or perpetrators of crime and violence.

As a former foster child, who aged out of foster care at age 16 without family support, I am fully in support of the following recommendations by Lighthouse Family Services:

1.) Young people aging out of foster care should be offered a continuum of child welfare living arrangement options, including scattered site apartments, supervised apartments, host homes, dormitories and subsidized housing.

2.) Recommendations regarding ongoing housing for youth in transition include:

* Local control of funding to decide what is best for its community

* State licensing of agencies to provide housing with Child Welfare System oversight of individual housing choices

* Flexible housing options: the creation of local housing continuums based on local realities

* Geographic flexibility: the ability for youth to live in neighborhoods of their choosing

* Second moves/chances to try again after an eviction or discharge from care

* The ability to return to a variety of living arrangements at any time until age 21

* The ability for youth to take over lease/remain in current living arrangement after discharge

* Realistic planning and expectations/individualized rules

* Collaboration with MH, MRDD, CD, Correctional systems

* Movement into Shelter Plus Care for people with MH issues

* A local transition planning committee who oversees the entire transition system and pushes for needed changes

Four workshop activities at the fifth annual It's My Life conference

"Navigate Your Success As An Advocate:" Amanda Denara Johnson doesn't listen to negative self-talk!


The Ohio chapter of FCAA, Amanda Dunlap, Amanda Keller and I, were lucky because we presented our workshop, Overcoming Trauma and Achieving Intimacy, during the first session.

This meant that after our presentation was over, we were able to enjoy all the other wonderful workshops that IML had to offer!

Here are some workshop activities that I was very impressed by:

1.) In By Chance, Out By Choice

This activity shared portions of a play by Kamika Whetstone.

The actors (all foster care youth and alumni) acted out various roles of young people going through struggles, and adults in their lives who were either helping, harming or just observing them.

In the middle, they stopped -- and, let's face it, the play was so fabulous that I didn't want them to stop -- and broke the audience down into groups. One of the actors facilitated each group, as we tried to figure out what would happen to that character next.

What decisions would he or she make? Would this person survive? Thrive?

Then, they acted out the end of the play, and we were able to see if our guesses were right or not!

2.) Foster Youth and the Juvenile Justice System

In this workshop, we were introduced to:
- the background of the juvenile justice system
- the high rate of foster care youth and alums who get involved in it
- some of the reasons why young people might end up in the system

Among those reasons is the fact that some group home staff or foster parents over-rely on law enforcement in order to deal with normal adolescent behavior.

Young people who transfer from the foster care system to the juvenile justice system risk losing some of their educational funding and other benefits, depending on which state they are in...

After the preliminary discussion, we broke down into groups to play this powerful board game:

- Each member of the group had a role: foster care youth, group home staff, social worker and CASA.

- The rules were: The foster kid could not talk or roll the dice. Everyone else took turns rolling for them and moving their one token across the board. We could land on things like: "ran away," "got into a fight," or "disrupted adoption."

If we landed on a "Decision Point," then we all had to guess what what going on, and try to come up with the best placement decision -- but without any input from the foster child, because that person wasn't allowed to talk.

- At the end: The person who acted as the foster child was finally able to speak. She read from a piece of paper explaining all the reason behind her behavior.

Every one of our assumptions about the "why" of her behavior turned out to be wrong!

This game is a powerful teaching tool that should be played at least once by all professionals in a foster child's life, in order to remind them about how impossible it is to make the right placement decisions for a child without his or her input.

3.) Biological Parents and College Students from Foster Care

The initial activity was to break people down into groups and give them puzzle pieces. But, each group soon realized that it would be impossible to complete the activity successfully, because the puzzle pieces didn't match the box -- or each other.

This was an effective way to demonstrate the difficulty that is sometimes experienced in reuniting with birth families after aging out of foster care.

One presenter shared that when she was in college, her bio-mom found out about the stipend and grants that she was receiving and started relying on her daughter to financially support her.

Finally, she had to say NO to her mom, and learn how to take care of herself. This was a painful decision for her, and she was brought to tears as she shared.

4.) Navigate Your Own Success As An Advocate

This workshop also relied on creative dramatics as a way to keep the audience engaged and get the audience involved.

The workshop leaders role-played both negative and positive "self-talk" by having one person lie down, and others surround her, speaking to her in voices of either encouragement or discouragement.

Then, they role-played two scenarios between a foster care youth and her (sixth) social worker. In the first one, the social worker hadn't read her file and didn't know her name -- and the foster care youth told her off.

In the second scenario, the social worker came better prepared, and the young person expressed the same concerns but in a nicer and more proactive way:

"This is what I want from you. This is what I need from you. You are my sixth social worker in ___ months, so it is hard for me to trust that you will live up to your promises, but for now I will give you the benefit of the doubt."

Then, two people from the audience came up. One person shared that, in real life, she had just been placed in a brand-new foster home, and neither she nor her new foster mom knew what the expectations were.

The other, a young man, was assigned the role of "foster dad" and the two of them negotiated the expectations together:

- What was her curfew?
- What about boys?
- What about having her friends over?
- etc.

All four of these workshops were creative and memorable.

Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption

During the month of October, Wendy's will be selling Trick or Treat Gift Books as part of an annual fundraising effort to support the Wendy's Wonderful Kids program, via the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption.

For just a dollar, each Wendy's Gift Book contains coupons for ten Junior Frosty's ($8.90 value). That's less than nine cents per coupon, which makes this a good deal for you -- and an opportunity to help some of the 513,000 children who are waiting for families within the United States foster care system.

One example of how funds are spent:
The North Carolina Children's Home Society received two Wendy's Wonderful Kids grants this year, each funding a staff position focused on finding permanent families for an identified group of children awaiting adoption.

As a result, 15 children were linked with adoptive homes.

Circle of Influence vs. Circle of Concern

I've always been a "save the world" kind of person.

As a child, from the first time I learned about history, all I could think of was the atrocities that had occurred, such as slavery, the Holocaust, poor treatment of Native Americans, etc. and how much I wished I could have been there to fight the evil and make a positive difference.

As an adult, I have focused my passions on one area: foster care. This seems to be the area wherein I can make the most impact, and for which my personal and professional experiences have prepared me.

Yet, even when narrowing your focus to just the foster care arena, it can be easy to become overwhelmed. A very dear friend of mine was brought to tears during the It's My Life conference, because she heard so many stories of pain in a row...

The best help that I have ever received in this area is from the book: The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey. In this book, he talks about your "circle of influence" and "circle of concern."

Just speaking for me personally, my circle of concern is HUGE. I care about every person in and from foster care... and that is one big circle!

But, the secret is to be faithful within your circle of influence. Do the very best job you can with every opportunity that is offered you to make a positive difference in the child welfare system, and two things will happen:

1.) Your efforts will make a positive ripple effect that affects the larger circle

2.) Your circle of influence will widen

That's definitely what has happened with me.

My involvement in Foster Care Alumni of America has literally changed my life, because we represent a collective voice and collective effort. We are a national organization that is constantly changing, growing and making additional connections.

And I love being a part of this movement!

Childhood Sexual Abuse

Postcard created by an alumna of foster care, as part of an ongoing postcard project by Foster Care Alumni of America.






Sexual Abuse in Foster Care
In the general public, physical abuse of children occurs twice as often as sexual abuse.

Within the foster care system, however, foster care youth and alumni report experiencing sexual abuse at a higher than physical abuse.

While there are no significant gender differences regarding physical abuse or neglect in foster care settings, studies have demonstrated that girls are at greater risk for sexual abuse within the foster care system.

Eighty-five women between the ages of 18-25 years old participated in a study supported by the Orphan Foundation of America:

- 65% of participants reported a history of sexual abuse.
- 35% reported experiencing that abuse during their time in foster care.

Not surprisingly, participicants who experienced sexual abuse both at home and in foster care settings demonstrated the highest rate of self-blame, feelings of betrayal and powerless, and stigmatization.

Fearing the Victim
Foster and adoptive parents are concerned about their ability to meet the needs of these young people. They worry about the risk to other children who live in their homes. They fear being subject to allegations themselves.

Girls with a history of sexual abuse are subject to twice as many placement changes as girls without a history of sexual abuse. They are more likely to be housed in group homes and residential placements.

How to Care for Victims of Sexual Abuse
1.) Close supervision: Children often imitate what they have experienced, and live out what they know. If a child's first introduction to touching was sexual touching, that child might inadvertently pass on the abuse to other children.

2.) Effective sexual education: Young people who have been exposed to too much, too soon, often had the physical experience without truly understanding what was going on. What they do know about sex has been horribly distorted.

3.) Modification of inappropriate behaviors: Victims of abuse need to learn how to set healthy boundaries for physcially relating to other people. Often, their response to touch leaps to polar extremes, between fear and fascination.

4.) Therapeutic attention to the child's deeper unmet needs: It is vital to have a thorough understanding of the young person's history, so that their current behaviors are seen in the context of past trauma and experiences.

Ideally, foster parents would be given the information they need in order to prepare their home. A study funded by the Department of Health showed that in order half the cases, the sexual abuse history of children was not shared with their foster caregavers.

Even in cases where this information was shared, the extent, severity and identity of the abuser was often omitted from the case files.

Source:
(2007) Breno, Anjey and Galupo, M. Paz. Sexual abuse histories of young women in the U.S. child welfare system: A focus on trauma-related beliefs and resilience, Journal of Child Sexual Abuse, 2007, Vol. 16 Issue 2, p97-113.

(2003) Farmer, Elaine and Pollock, Sue. Managing sexually abused and/or abusing children in substitute care. Child & Family Social Work, May2003, Vol. 8 Issue 2, p101-112.

2007 Adoption Ethics and Accountability Conference

What's Lisa been up to lately?

I want to apologize to my readers for somewhat neglecting my blog...

Here are some of the things that I've been involved in lately, as part of my involvement with Foster Care Alumni of America:

1.) Preparing to present at the national It’s My Life Conference. The conference’s 700 attendees will include youth, alumni and social work professionals from across the nation. Registration is already full.

2.) Serving on the planning committee and preparing to present at a statewide independent living conference.

Our goals are to create an environment for foster care youth and alumni to exchange insights with child welfare professionals, to provide information for participants to use in their daily work/personal lives, and to promote current “Best Practices” in our state – including the effective use of Chafee and TANF IL funding.

3.) Preparing to moderate a foster care workshop and work with homeless youth to create a documentary to be shared at a statewide youth housing conference.

4.) Working with a university professor and many other valuable allies on a statewide independent living survey, targeting 10 counties in my state. What kinds of pre-/post-emancipation services are young people in the foster care system receiving? (Or not receiving?)

5.) Being invited to present in 2008 at an annual trainer event, wherein the 200-300 attendees will be the trainers of every social worker and every foster parent in my state.

6.) Laying the groundwork to establish a mentoring program in my city in 2008, wherein foster care youth are paired with alumni.

Five Blog Entries That Make Me Think

I was recently asked to post five blog entries that make me think...

To be honest, most of the stuff that elicits my thoughts and concerns winds up either on this blog, or on my Favorite Quotes or Fostering Intimacy blogs.

However, there have been five blog entries that sparked my interest lately, although they are from just two people!

Here they are:
Less of Paige: Children are not puppies
Less of Paige: Job Requirements for the Hardest Job on Earth
Back in Skinny Jeans: That I would be good
Back in Skinny Jeans: Perfect depression: Your soul is warning you
Back in Skinny Jeans: Trapped in fat and thin

Former foster kids and our obligations

Recently, a thoughtful and talented friend of mine, whom I greatly respect, asked me:

"Do you think those of us who have been in foster care should feel obligated to be a foster parent for a little bit?"

I started to reply, but my answer got so long that I decided to write a blog entry about it!

I believe that those of us who are in and from foster care should take the Maslow approach:

1.) First and foremost, we have to physically and emotionally survive loss, chaos and often unsafe living conditions. It breaks my heart to read newspaper articles about children who die in foster care or at the hands of abusive bio-parents.

2.) Second, after aging out of care, we have build a base of resources for ourselves. Food to eat. A place to sleep. A plan for the future, such as education and/or a job.

It's okay to try to help other people, and I certainly did at the time.

However, at this point it's sort of like being on a plane and putting the airmask on yourself first, before trying to help the person sitting next to you. If you run out of oxygen, you will perish, and you will not make it to help anybody else.

3.) Third, allow ourselves time to heal. This takes time. It cannot be rushed. And we can't take other people further along the path of healing than we have made it ourselves.

Again, it is okay to help other people during this process -- but it's also wise to build friendships with "not-needy" people. People who might seem sheltered, and at first difficult to relate to because they seem so unfamiliar.

Why befriend these unfamiliar people? If they care about us, they can be part of our circle of restorative relationships.

Speaking as a stepmom, it was hard to be a mother, when I had only distant memories of having a mother myself. One thing that helped was the fact that my friends from college had invited me to spend holidays with them, and those trips gave me a glimpse into another world.

Also, let's be honest, and I am speaking from personal experience here, if you have problems and all of your friends have problems, it's easy to start thinking that the whole world is this DARK and desolate place, with nothing but problems.

And that might feel true, but it's simply not an accurate picture of the world.

As Jack Nicholson sardonically put it in the movie As Good As It Gets: "It's not true. Some people have great stories, pretty stories that take place at lakes with boats and friends and noodle salad. Just no one in this car."

In college, I tended to drift back and forth between friendships with the pretty story, boat-floating, noodle salad people, and my other friends whose boatless, noodle-salad-less lives were more familiar.

I think most all of us who have been in foster care have a deep desire to help others. That is a big part of the premise of what Foster Care Alumni of America is based upon... The entire national organization is rooted in phone calls and interviews with 1600 foster care alumni who all wanted to give back and help 'the next generation.'

But how we choose help is up to each one of us, individually:

- Some of us might (and do) choose to be foster parents.
- Others adopt.
- Others have children of their own, and choose not to continue the cycle of abuse that we experienced as children.
- Many of us volunteer our time and advocate for change.

Just as I believe that there's no "one size fits all" approach to families that break down, there's no "one map" to how we alumni should function as adults either.

The beauty and the glory of foster care alumni is that we each bring our talents, insights, creativity, gifts and passion to the table. We are each very unique - and I love that!

So.... that's my take. I must confess to not always taking my own advice. In college, there were times when I spent my grocery money on other people and then had to make do with condiments from the student center. Really goofy, silly things like that, because I really - really - really wanted to help everyone.

But this is how I feel about it, looking back from an adult perspective.


What do YOU think?

An Interesting Point of View

I've been meaning to link to this blog for quite some time:
http://evlogeite.com/?p=143

Please respect the blogger's wishes as per his request to me:
Lisa, I don’t at all mind you linking this entry on your blog. I have visited your blog, and it is really very good. I hope that everyone who runs across this will do the same. I would also be happy to participate in comments on your site.

May I ask one favor? I know that as a former foster child your perspective is vastly different than the one I expressed in this entry. For about seven years I represented the child advocates in my area, and I also represent DSS from time to time, so I know how very different perspectives can be.

So my favor is this: this entry was written primarily as a theological meditation, although it reflects real life. While I certainly don’t mind a vigorous debate about my outlook on your blog, I would prefer that the focus here remain on the theological lessons.

As such, if your readers should come here and have disagreements with what I said, I ask only that they return to your blog to express those views, as opposed to having that debate here. Silly, I know, but if people could humor me I would be very grateful.