Let Me Tell You My Story, One Piece At A Time

I've been asked to moderate a youth panel at an upcoming conference. One thing that is very important to me is to follow Michael Sanders' example, in terms of equipping and preparing youth participants.

Therefore, I am doing my best to:
- Ideally meet with youth panel members ahead of time
- If not, most definitely talk with them on the phone

Youth panel members should be given the chance to review the questions and reflect upon them beforehand, so that they won't be blind-sighted by the unexpected.

If they have time to plan for the questions, they can decide which piece of their story they wish to share.

And if I know what matters to each young person, as the moderator, I can ask questions that help frame the issues that they want the audience to know about...

Don't Ask Me To Tell You My Whole Story
Part of the reason that I lead Strategic Sharing workshops today is because there were times in my college life when I over-shared about my personal experiences:

- When I was on a summer missions trip, and was asked each week to give my "testimony."
- In editorials for my college newspaper.
- Even on my first date with my future husband! (why I didn't scare that poor guy away with what I told him, I will never know!)

Respect for Emotional Boundaries of Foster Care Alumni
I still remember a 16-year-old girl at the OFCA conference, who responded to the "Boundaries" section of my workshop by pointing out that foster care doesn't promote healthy boundaries:

"Whenever I meet a new social worker, they ask me to tell them my whole life story. I don't know anything about them!"

After we age out of foster care, that attitude can still persist.

I wonder if we should develop a workshop or talking points for allies about not asking prying questions of adult foster care alumni?

Something like:
- "Talk to me about the ISSUES, and please allow me to share bits and pieces of my experience as they pertain to those issues, over time."
- "Please allow my relationship with you to progress gradually."

Has anyone else developed anything like that?

When I Tell You the Details, I Relive the Pain
It just seems like more people should GET that. When they ask prying, painful questions, it's not malice - it's more like ignorance.

I used to wonder: "Why don't they know?" But I guess they just don't know... can't understand how, for a foster care alum in college, simple questions like, "Where are you planning to spend the holidays?" or "My mom is such a nag! Is YOUR mom like that?" can unearth such pain.

Maybe it would help to map it out for them?

Traumatic memories are stored and processed differently than memories of ordinary events. "Normal" memories are encoded verbally, and thereby can be verbally communicated to others afterwards. But traumatic memories are experienced as emotions, sensations and physical states.

The trauma survivor faces an odd contradiction. The memories are so vivid and rich with emotional and sensory details. Yet it's difficult to put words to these experiences, to make cognitive sense out of them.

In the long-term, it is healthy to put words to these images and emotions. But trying to rush that process is very dangerous -- this is my undergrad degree in counseling talking here -- because it's important to give survivors TIME to heal in these areas...

A young adult who has just "aged out" of foster care hasn't had that time yet.

Giving Away Your Whole Story At Once Can Be Like:
- Giving away your strength: Information is power. For the trauma survivor, information is also pain. Samson's curls fall shorn to the ground and weakness overtakes him...

- An unexpected question can strip you emotionally, just like an unexpected touch. Especially if, within the context, you feel obligated to respond

- The Morning After: A person might flee after a one-night stand, because the intimacy came too soon. It's the same thing with emotional sharing. It can feel icky and uncomfortable the next day.

When I Meet Other Foster Care Alumni
I ask them what issues matter most to them. I focus on the ISSUES because that is safer - and can be very healing and empowering. I offer them opportunities to be a part of creating positive change.

I am open to the fact that they might share personal things with me, and if/when they do, I will respond in the very best way I know how to respond.

What do YOU think about this? How have you responded if/when you were blind-sighted by questions you didn't expect? How do you work today to make sure that today's foster care youth and alumni are prepared before public speaking?

Strategic Sharing for People in and from Foster Care

In preparation for several upcoming statewide workshops for young people preparing to age out of foster care, I created the above diagram to convey the different levels of relationships.

One of the challenges for young people in/from foster care is developing personal boundaries.

- How much can I share? - Who should I share it with? - Will they be too overwhelmed? - Who can I tell?

People in the inner circle have often earned the trust necessary for deeper vulnerability.

Revealing deeply personal information to strangers or acquaintances is a risky venture.

For current/former foster children, the journey toward wholeness often involves bouncing between one extreme or another.

- Over-share vs. under-share. - Total independence vs. victim mentality. - Too vulnerable vs. invulnerable.

These extremes are understandable, but in the long-run, they can prove to be unhealthy, and even dangerous.

In a private venue, with people in the inner circle, you can be vulnerable and figure out the meaning and significance that your experience has for you...

In a public venue, with people in the outer rings of the circle, you might need to explain why you are sharing your experience and connect it with your purpose for sharing.

Why might you share your experiences privately?
- To make sense and meaning out of our lives
- To open ourselves up to personal growth

Why might you share your experiences publicly?
- To put a human face on social issues and inspire others to action

My friend Misty created an excellent resource on strategic sharing. She wrote, "At its best, sharing personal stories can educate, inspire and make a real difference. At its worst, it can feel manipulative, exploitive or lead to harmful consequences."

What are the risks of public / private sharing?
- People might discredit you or write you off; assuming that you "have issues"
- People might assume you are playing the victim and want something from them
- People might try to take advantage of you (if I had a dollar for every guy who offered

Self-disclosure is a lot like clothing
Do you really want to bare yourself naked in front of strangers? If the level of disclosure is imbalanced, regardless of how effective your presentation might be, you might leave that venue feeling exploited. Bringing up certain memories can be painful.

Questions to ask yourself ahead of time:

1.) Strategic Sharing: What is my purpose for sharing? What do I want people to learn from my story? Some details make a story compelling and memorable. Others might come back to haunt you later on.

2.) Measured Disclosure: Which details am I willing to share? What do I choose to keep private? Would I mind if my words were recorded in print, or retold by another person?

3.) Generalize the Issue: If the subject gets too personal, or questions from the audience seem overly prying and make you feel uncomfortable, respond with statistics about the BIG picture.

4.) Connecting with Others: How will the audience be able to relate to your story? Consider inviting the audience to share personal information of their own.

As Danielle pointed out in the previous "comments" section, entering the adult world is challenging for many people, not just alumni of foster care.

When in doubt, share your story with people you trust (people from the inner circle) before "going public." Ask a trusted mentor if they think you are establishing personal boundaries in order to protect yourself.

Source:
Stenslie, Misty and Cynthia Scheiderer. Strategic Sharing: Drawing on Personal Experience to Educate and Influence, May 2006.