When Foster Care or Adoption Separates Siblings

Diagram created by Lisa Dickson

It has been estimated that 80% of people living in the United States today have siblings.

The sibling bond may be the longest lasting relationship most people have; outlasting relationships with parents, spouses or children.

Siblings play a crucial role in the development personal identity and self-esteem. Brothers and sisters can provide emotional support, comfort, and a sense of stability, belonging, and continuity.

During Foster Care Month 2008, a statewide panel of young adults with foster care and adoption histories all agreed that the Family Tree Assignment was the most painful assignment that they had to do in school.

When families break down, relationships become complex and complicated.

Sibling relationships might include biological siblings who were relinquished or removed at birth, half-siblings, step-siblings or current/former foster siblings. Not all couples are married, so a sibling could include: "Mom's ex-boyfriend's daughter."

This postcard is part of Foster Care Alumni of America's ongoing national Culture of Foster Care Project.

Research demonstrates that the sibling bond is stronger between brothers and sister from dysfunctional families.

When parents are neglectful or abusive, older siblings often voluntarily take on a quasi-parental role. In such circumstances, it is common for siblings to nurture and protect one another.

75% of children in foster care in the United States have a sibling who is also in foster care. As a former foster child myself, I might worry more about the sibling who is still at home with the bio-parents.

Some social workers opt in favor of separating siblings who take on a parental role. I strongly disagree with this practice.

Entry into foster care is often accompanied by grief, pain, anxiety and guilt. Many foster children report feeling that "they have lost a part of themselves."

Casey Family Programs National Center for Resource Family Support argues that "informed practice tells us that separating a child who has taken on the role of parent from younger siblings hurts all of the children involved."

The younger children not only lose their parents, but also the older sibling with whom they have developed a strong bond. The older child experiences guilt and anxiety upon separation because he/she feels responsible for the younger siblings.

Research has demonstrated that siblings who are placed together in foster care tend to have fewer emotional and behavioral problems than those who are placed apart. "I relaxed," said one foster child when asked what he did after finding out that he was to be placed for adoption with his older brothers.

Siblings As Survival Unit:

Diagram created by Lisa Dickson

Quote from Time Magazine article; The New Science of Siblings: “From the time they are born, our brothers and sisters are our collaborators and co-conspirators, our role models and cautionary tales, our protective barrier against family upheaval. They are our scolds, protectors, goads, tormentors, playmates, counselors, sources of envy, objects of pride. They teach us how to resolve conflicts and how not to; how to conduct friendships and when to walk away from them. Sisters teach brothers about the mysteries of girls; brothers teach sisters about the puzzle of boys.

"Our spouses arrive comparatively late in our lives; our parents eventually leave us. Our siblings may be the only people we'll ever know who truly qualify as partners for life.”

Diagram created by Lisa Dickson

This diagram was created to illustrate the experience of an adoptee who is separated from his/her siblings.

This adoptee is: Grateful to have found a family. Grief-stricken over loss of the sibling connection(s). Guiltridden over not being able to express this grief to the adoptive family. All these things add up to feeling conflicted.

Thoughts about foster care advocacy challenges from Lisa

"Our advocacy efforts cannot be demolished like a house of cards. Life as an adult advocate is much less fragile than shuttling through systems as a child."

~ Lisa Dickson

Please don't cut Ohio's TANF Independent Living Allocation

Witnesses Tell Personal Stories of What State Assistance Means to Them

Hannah Report, March 19, 2009

Thursday’s Human Services Subcommittee hearing had a whole different tone as legislators got to hear from a number of beneficiaries of state human services programs – many of whom thanked them for supporting a variety of state programs.

An upbeat group of witnesses were members of the Ohio Chapter of Foster Care Alumni of America.

While they were lobbying for the restoration of $2.5 million/year in Independent Living funds to help foster youth who age out of the system, they themselves were perhaps the best selling point, with Rep. Denise Driehaus (D-Cincinnati) commenting that they were a “thoroughly impressive group.”

Making a notable impression was Adrian McLemore, who addressed the subcommittee as “future colleagues” and who said he hopes one day to be mayor of Dayton, governor of Ohio and president of the U.S.

He also addressed the panel as “Momma Brown, Daddy Burke, Auntie Sears, Sister Boyd and Cousin Driehaus, making the point that it is the state that is family for foster youth.

Gabriel Koshinsky expanded on that idea: “Many of you growing up had the privilege of living in a loving home with caring parents and a strong community that supported you. These relationships provided a basis of empowerment and investment that gave you the reinforcement to believe in yourselves.

“Unfortunately, this is not the case for all children and young adults in this state. Over 17,000 children in the state of Ohio do not have a home and many are separated from their own siblings. They are alone in a world that is difficult to navigate.”

Long-term Cost of Abandoning Young Adults = More Expensive Than Helping Them

APPENDIX A: COST BENEFIT ANALYSIS OF THE TRANSITION GUARDIAN PLAN
Tom Packard, D.S.W., School of Social Work, San Diego State University, Nov. 2006





SUMMARY
● In purely financial terms, this program, if fully successful, would have a benefit-cost ratio of 3 to 1 (using present value dollars, the ratio is nearly 2 to 1).

FURTHER RESOURCES:
● California’s Fostering Connections to Success Act and the Costs and Benefits of Extending Foster Care to 21 By Mark E. Courtney, Amy Dworsky and Clark Peters; Partners for Our Children; March 2009.
● Expanding Transitional Services for Emancipated Foster Youth: An Investment in California's Tomorrow by the Children’s Advocacy Institute, January 2007.
● Midwest Evaluation of the Adult Functioning of Former Foster Youth: Outcomes at Age 19: Chapin Hall Executive Summary by Mark E. Courtney and Amy Dworsky, 2005.

Mapping Out a Cost-Benefit Ratio for Investing in Transitional Youth

Comic strip courtesy of Mark Stivers at http://www.markstivers.com/

Failure to Launch is not just a movie.

Today, most young adults in the general population rely upon their families for assistance with a place to live, financial support and other guidance as they transition to adulthood.

According to Children's Rights, half of young adults ages 18-24 in the general population in the United States live with their parents.

Meanwhile, every year, 20,000 of the 542,000 children in foster care nationwide "age out" of foster care and enter the adult world.

Young people in foster care have already survived harsh circumstances, such as neglect, abuse and/or abandonment. Their "parent" is a system.

And, too often, this system fails to equip them with the knowledge, skills, experience, attitudes, habits, and relationships that will enable them to be productive and connected members of society.

In the words of Melanie Delgado, Staff Attorney for the Children's Advocacy Institute, "Even for average youth - kids who never had the added struggle of life in foster care - the age of self-sufficiency is 26. And that's with their parents contributing over $44,000 during their post-18 transitional period."

But forget about compassion. Silence any voice of conscience. Try to be hard-boiled for a minute and see the whole thing through the spectrum of money.

Guess what? It is still worth it.

According to Dr. Mark Courtney of the Chapin Hall Center for Children,“Every $1 invested in continued foster care supports and services results in a return of $2.40."

"Our research shows that supporting foster youth to 21 increases their ability to become educated, productive, taxpaying members of society, and increases their lifetime earning potential by at least $92,000.”

Let's review the risk factors faced by young people aging out of foster care without support:
- 1 in 4 become incarcerated within two years of leaving foster care.
- Less than 50% graduate from high school; fewer than 5% graduate from college.
- 1 in 5 experience homelessness within a year and a half of aging out of foster care.

Where would we rather invest our money? What would we rather pay for?

1. Incarceration: The easiest transition between "systems" is between the juvenile justice and the adult prison system. Even for young people with no criminal background, the one place they are guaranteed to receive food and housing after foster care is prison.

So, no, we don't need to intervene. We can just wait for a struggling young person to find "family" in a gang. Chances are, they won't be able to afford an apartment in a very safe area. I couldn't, when I first aged out of care. My neighbors were drug dealers. My first roommate, also a former foster child, quickly fell into a criminal lifestyle.

Forget conscience, just think of dollars and cents: According to the National Institute of Corrections, Ohio taxpayers pay over $26,295 per inmate.

2. Unemployment: Right now, young people are "aging out" of foster care in the midst of recession. Depending on where they might have resided while in care, such as a residential facility or a group home, they often have little to no job experience.

We have the opportunity to invest in workforce planning, funded by the Workforce Investment Act. We could link them with job shadowing opportunities. Or would we prefer to just set them adrift and let them sink or swim?

Dollars and cents: In Ohio, the average monthly unemployment check is $1,327.

According to the report, California's Fostering Connections to Success Act and the Costs and Benefits of Extending Foster Care to 21, foster care youth who received support until age 21 experienced the following positive outcomes:

- Three times more likely to enroll in college.
- 65% less likely to have been arrested.
- 38% reduction in the risk of teen pregnancy.

The National Campaign to Prevent Teenage Pregnancy estimates the taxpayer cost of unwed pregnancy in Ohio to be $1,512 per teen birth.

For a starting point to map out the cost-benefits for your area, it might help to read over Expanding Transitional Services for Emancipated Foster Youth: An Investment in California's Tomorrow.

The Appendix breaks down some of the costs and benefits including:
- A Logic Model that maps out Inputs, Throughputs and Expected Outcomes
- Prison Recidivism savings
- Benefits from Higher Levels of Graduation
- Improvement on Lifetime Earnings
- Benefits to the State and Federal Treasuries through paid taxes
- Benefits of stimulating and supporting the economy as a whole

Aging out of foster care during a recession

The National Center for Family Homelessness just released a report indicating that 1 in 50 children is homeless in the United States every year.

It's also important to understand the risk of homelessness for young people aging out of foster care, and the need to invest in improving their chances of success.

1.) In 2008, the Greater Philadelphia Urban Affairs Coalition contracted with Philadelphia Safe and Sound to study the needs and experiences of youth in Philadelphia who had become homeless after aging-out of the child welfare system.

Aged-Out and Homeless in Philadelphia:
Researchers found that along the continuum of care that these youth received, there were service providers, administrative and legislative policies, families, and "support networks" that were inconsistent, contradictory, negligent, and impeding on youth success.

Quote from study: "In any given year, there are approximately 500,000 children in foster care throughout the United States. Of these, about 20,000 age out each year and are at risk for a variety of problems, including homelessness, un-/under-employment, criminal activity, and a lack of education."

2.) The Congressional Research Service released a 2007 report on Runaway and Homeless Youth. By the close of fiscal year 2005, close to 11,000 foster youth ran away from their placements and 24,000 young people "aged out" of foster care.

3.) A 2005 Survey of Homeless Youth in Minnesota conducted by the Amherst H. Wilder Foundation revealed that 7 out of 10 of these young people spent time as children in a foster home, group home, or other residential facility.

4.) In 2008, Voices from the Street: A Survey of Homeless Youth by Their Peers was facilitated by the California Research Bureau. Homeless and formerly homeless youth conducted interviews of their currently and formerly homeless peers across the state, inviting them to share their experiences, the services they need, and changes they would like to see happen in policy or law.

Quote from study: “Those young people in our study for whom foster care was a trajectory into homelessness often described an instability and ‘emotional homelessness’ that began long before they literally had no roof over their heads.”

5.) Web of Failure: The Relationship Between Foster Care & Homelessness
In 1995, the National Alliance to End Homelessness conducted national research to examine the over-representation in the homeless population of people with a foster care history.

Principle findings of this study:
- There is an over-representation of people with a foster care history in the homeless population.

- Homeless people with a foster care history are more likely than other people to have their own children in foster care.

- Very frequently, people who are homeless had multiple placements as children: some were in foster care, but others were "unofficial" placements in the homes of family or friends.

- Those people with a foster care history tend to become homeless at an earlier age than those who do not have a foster care history.

- Childhood placement in foster care can correlate with a substantial increase in the length of a person's homeless experience.

Why Good Will Hunting and I have hard heads

Quote from Good Will Hunting:
Will: He used to just put a belt, a stick, and a wrench on the kitchen table and say, "Choose."
Sean: Well, I gotta go with the belt there.
Will: I used to go with the wrench.
Sean: Why?
Will: Cause f*ck him, that's why.

When I was a child, my father used to grab me by my shoulders, dig his fingers into my arms and throw me up against the wall over and over again.

He was bigger than me and stronger than me.
My voice was the only weapon that I had at my disposal.
So what did I do? I mouthed off:

Quote from Lisa's childhood:
Dad: SLAM!
Me: You're a terrible father.
Dad: SLAM!
Me: You're a bully.
Dad: SLAM!
Me: (having looked up "passive aggressive" in the dictionary) It's very passive-aggressive to take out your anger on a nine-year-old.
Dad: SLAM!

Just this morning, for some odd reason, my husband and I were talking about this. It baffles Nathan that I kept mouthing off.

Quote from this morning's conversation:
Nathan: Why didn't you just shut your mouth?
Me: What I told him was the truth.
Nathan: Yeah, well, you couldn't have picked a less teachable moment.
Me: He was going to hit me anyway.

I could have begged for mercy I suppose. I could have cried. But, in my mind, at the time, that would have made me weak.

And I always knew that I was strong enough to outlast him.

What does this mean to me today?
Well... hopefully I've gotten a little bit smarter about when to speak out and when to be silent!

But I hope that I always stand up for things that matter most to me. I hope I never cower in fear rather than telling the truth about something.

I was never sure what to expect from my father when he walked into a room.

Role of Foster Care Youth and Alumni in Child Welfare Training

In what ways are various organizations and agencies inviting the passion and dynamism of foster care youth and alumni to be a part of their child welfare training?


1.) Cby25 stands for "Connected by 25," a community initiative to improve outcomes for foster youth by investing in services and programs.

Their Florida Policy to Practice Academy empowers both current and former foster children:

- Cby25 youth (ages 14-17) serve as co-trainers: They always co-train with a certified Cby25 staff member, and their foster parents usually participate as well. Youth also participate on panels.

- Cby25 alumni (ages 18+) contribute to curriculum: Former foster children work for Cby25's Curriculum Development & Training Department. They continue to train/co-train as needed, while developing new ideas and trainings.


2.) Other organizations allow foster care youth/alumni to co-train child welfare audiences.

These include: EARS, ELEVATE and FosterClub. Workshops are personalized to the extent that the young person uses his/her story to illustrate the preexisting curriculum.

SAYSO allows young people between the ages of 14-23 to co-present with adults/alumni and to help create the actual workshop.


3.) Y.O.U.T.H. stands for "Youth Offering Unique Tangible Help." The initial development team that created their entire curriculum was made up of foster care youth/alumni, ages 16-21.

The YOUTH Training Project is staffed entirely by foster care alumni.

- Youth serve as co-trainers: They always train with one/more staff members, and might also be accompanied by one/more of their peers. Adults provide coaching during rehearsal, assistance with set-up. Adults shadow/assist with the presentation and debrief with the young person afterward.

- Alumni (18+) develop curriculum: Y.O.U.T.H. alumni trainers are trained extensively, and empowered to develop curriculum and lead entire trainings. Each trainer is expected to sign up for at least 5 trainings/year.

Youth and alumni have the opportunity to participate as as panelists and keynote speakers. Y.O.U.T.H. requires young people under the age of 18 to submit their written keynote speeches ahead of time to staff for approval and editing help.

Empowering Foster Care Youth and Alumni as Trainers

I am currently researching various organizations that certify foster care youth/alumni as child welfare trainers. This is a project that I am doing in collaboration with my state's statewide child welfare training program.

Here are the organizations I have contacted so far:

California Youth Connection
www.calyouthconn.org

Connected By 25
www.cby25.org

EARS
www.earsbronx.org

Elevate
http://elevate2inspire.com

FosterClub
www.fosterclub.com

Honoring Emancipated Youth
www.heysf.org

Kentucky Children First
www.kychildnow.org

OHYAC
www.ohyac.org

Peer Assistance and Leadership (TX)
www.palusa.org

SAYSO
www.saysoinc.org

Voices of Youth
www.swkey.org/VOY_Youth_Trainers.html

YLAT
www.ylat.org

Y.O.U.T.H.
www.youthtrainingproject.org

Praise for the People's Inaugural Project

Earl Stafford, Virginia businessman, Air Force veteran and 60-year-old founder of Universal Systems and Technology decided to give a front row seat to the disadvantaged when it came to attending the People's Inaugural Ball.

He wanted "to bring in a cross-section of society - those who are distressed, those who are terminally ill, those who are socially and economically disadvantaged, those veterans who are wounded and served our country.”

His family's nonprofit organization, the Stafford Foundation, reached out to hospitals, homeless shelters, some of the other social agencies in 22 states.

They not only facilitated attendance at the ball and other events, but also provided gowns, tuxes, beautician makeovers and accessories, such as earrings and necklaces.

The People's Inaugural Project took place on Jan. 18, 19 and 20, with lodging provided all three nights.

Stafford's investment included over 335 rooms in the J.W. Marriot, $200,000 worth of food and drink and a heated tent on the hotel roof to watch the parade down on Pennsylvania Avenue.

During those three days, Stafford hosted four events: a prayer breakfast, a luncheon, during which Martin Luther King III spoke, an Inaugural Ball for youth, and an Inaugural Ball for youth

Over 1,000 people participated - and at each event at least one-third of attendees came from disadvantaged backgrounds. The rest were business leaders, community leaders, celebrities and politicians invited by Stafford.

Stafford's goal was to bring together people from all strata of society: "We want those with millions in the bank interacting and worshipping and celebrating with those who only have pennies in their pockets."

During the NPR broadcast, participants who came from backgrounds of poverty appreciated both the experience - and the anonymity that was provided along with lovely gowns and professional makeovers.

For those three days, the playing field was level and stigmas and stereotypes were left behind.

Why does juvenile justice matter?

Because:
“Nearly 100,000 youth are confined in juvenile jails, prisons, boot camps, and other residential facilities on any given night.” - Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention, Statistical Briefing Book

And yet:
“Among all of the policy areas affecting vulnerable children and families, juvenile justice has probably suffered the most glaring gaps between best practice and common practice, between what we know and what we most often do.

"Perhaps because it serves an unpopular and powerless segment of our society—behaviorally troubled, primarily poor, mostly minority teenagers...”

- Annie E. Casey Foundation’s KIDS COUNT Data Book essay, “A Road Map for Juvenile Justice Reform”

Compiling Resources for Juvenile Justice Reform

Foster care youth are often multisystems youth.

Therefore, I am currently working with Dawn Folsom, a passionate member of Foster Care Alumni of America from Indiana, as well as many young people in my state on issues involving juvenile justice reform.

The way that I tackle a problem is to identify and learn from existing challenges, gaps in services, resources and Best Practices, and figure out a way to connect youth, alumni and professionals with information, resources and services.

Here is what I have tracked down so far...

Existing Resources:

Act 4 Juvenile Justice
American Bar Association's Juvenile Justice Committee

Campaign for Youth Justice

Cradle to Prison Pipeline

Future of Children

Georgetown University's Center for Juvenile Justice Reform

Girls' Justice Initiative

National Council on Crime and Delinquency

National Juvenile Justice Network

Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention

Pathways to Juvenile Detention Reform

Existing Challenges:

1. Overrepresentation of minorities in the juvenile justice system

2. Runaway and homeless youth being locked up for "truancy"

3. Females more likely to be detained, despite being a lower risk to public safety

4. Youth being transferred to adult prisons, even for nonviolent crimes

5. Need for more investment in preventive measures

Best Practices:
Missouri's Division of Youth Services received the Innovations Award in Children and Family System Reform and was awarded $100,000 toward replication and dissemination of its program around the country.

Why? For its treatment of juvenile offenders across 42 locations statewide, its comprehensive approach to reform and its network of regional facilities that keeps youth close to their families.

Ohio has a relatively new advocacy program, funded by TANF and facilitated by Urban Minority Alcoholism & Drug Abuse Outreach Programs, to help families of youth committed to the Ohio Department of Youth Services. This program is the first of its kind.

Advocacy Strategies:

Monetary Value of Saving a High-Risk Youth
This study is based on specific savings from up-front investments. Research findings suggest that by identifying juvenile offenders early and providing them with prevention and treatment resources early in life, their future criminal activity may be curtailed.

It is estimated that the present value of saving a 14-year-old high risk juvenile from a life of crime to range from $2.6 to $5.3 million. Saving a high risk youth at birth would save society between $2.6 and $4.4 million.

Voter Preference for Rehabilitation

This survey of 820 DC voters reveals that the public prefers to invest in rehabilitative strategies for juvenile offenders. The overwhelming majority of participants desired for young people to be placed in juvenile detention facilities, rather than adult prisons, and for youth to be connected with opportunities to improve their lives.

Negative Effect of Juvenile Transfer Laws

Young offenders who are transferred to adult prisons are more likely to perpetrate future criminal offenses than young people who remain in the juvenile justice system. This approach does not deter juvenile delinquency.

Legislative Awareness:

Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention Act

Due to Republican objections, this bill never became law.

The mandates would have included: (1) deinstitutionalization of status offenders; (2) sight and sound separation of juveniles from adult offenders; (3) removal of juveniles from adult jails and lock-ups; and (4) reduction of disproportionate minority contact with the justice system.

Gang Abatement and Prevention Act vs. Youth PROMISE Act

Housing After Foster Care

One in five former foster children report experiencing homelessness after "aging out" of foster care.

Investing in housing programs for young people between 18-25 years old is an opportunity to offer hope and assistance to young people during the "launching period" of their lives.

It is also a financially savvy front-end investment.

How would you prefer that your tax dollars be spent?
Wouldn't you rather invest in these 25,000 young people aging out of foster care each year before they enter into situations of chronic homelessness, unwed pregnancy, unemployment and incarceration?

Doesn't it make more sense to intervene during their late-teens and early-20s, a time when young people have an open mind, high level of energy and are actively engaged in the process of directing their future lives?

Or would we rather wait now, and pay later? Left unchecked, the cycle will continue: 1 in 4 homeless adults is a former foster child.

Homeless shelters created for adults are not the answer
Young adults differ from the adult homeless population, because they have unique developmental needs. With encouraging support and timely resources, it is possible to empower young people and build them into future leaders.

Investing in a brighter future
Here are some examples of how states provide specialized services to effectively support young people in acquiring stable housing:

1. California:
- First Place Fund for Youth provides two-bedroom apartments in San Francisco, financial assistance to pay housing start-up costs, and monthly rental subsidies.

- Larkin Street Youth Services’ LEASE program has scattered site apartments for youth who have emancipated from San Francisco's foster care system.

- Orangewood Children's Foundation in Los Angeles has two residential apartment complexes with an on-site residential counselor. Youth pay rent on a sliding scale, according to their financial ability.

2. Colorado uses FUP funds to provide housing assistance to youth for a maximum of 18 months. The young person must be between the ages of 18‐21, have spent time in foster care on or after their 16th birthday and currently lack adequate housing.

3. Connecticut has a Community Housing Assistance Program that provides either site-based or scattered site apartments for youth age 17-21 who are transitioning out of foster care and into independent living. They require youth to account for forty productive hours per week, e.g. time devoted to classes, study, training, part-time work, internships, volunteer work, apprenticeships or counseling.

4. Delaware provides Life Lines Housing Programs which allow youth to stay in the program for 18 months to three years, depending upon their job status or educational enrollment status.

5. Illinois developed a Youth Housing Assistance Program that uses Chafee funding to provide housing assistance to young people in and from foster care between the ages of 17 - 21.

6. New Jersey provides a Shared Living Residence Rental Housing Program to acquire land, build housing or rehabilitate existing housing.

7. New York City Housing Authority offers a Section 8 Priority Code for young people aging out of the foster care system. This program provides Section 8 vouchers or public housing units.

8. North Carolina offers Transitional Housing Funds of up to $1,500 per year to help with room and board expenses.

9. Ohio has 88 counties - only three of which have developed youth housing programs:

- Daybreak's Milestones program for young people ages 17-21 provides housing, counseling, educational support and tutoring, employment-readiness and life skills training and two years of follow up.

- Lighthouse Youth Services provides a tiered housing system that allows room for temporary setbacks as young people transition to the adult world.

- Starr Commonwealth provides an independent living program called MyPlace, designed to help ease the transition to adulthood. Young people, ages 16 to 18, live on their own in one of 16 furnished apartments, and are provided with adult support.

10. Vermont offers a Housing Support Program for young people between the ages of 18-22. Qualifying youth receive a grant of up to $5,000 to cover housing and related expenses. They may also receive supplemental funds for college textbooks and lab fees.

As a New Year's Resolution, please think about how you can replicate one or more of these programs in your state....

If you need something, please ask in a timely, honest manner

The following blog entry represents a personal struggle that I have had this week. I am trying to learn from this experience and move forward.

I am always leading workshops and telling other people about defining their boundaries -- but this week was a reminder that I need to maintain my boundaries, too!

I'm trying to formulate:
1. Where are my boundaries when it comes to working with other foster care alumni? Particularly when they are in a state of immediate crisis.

2. What is my role as a leader within my state chapter of Foster Care Alumni of America?

3. How can I better handle situations like the ones I faced this week in the future?

Here are my ideas so far, in terms of communicating my expectations and boundaries to other people...

1. If you need something from me, ask.

Say: "Lisa, I need this: _________"
Tell me what you need, straight-out and give me a chance to say yes or no.

Please don't try to manipulate me.

Don't hint at what you need, and wait for me to figure it out. That disrespects me and it disrespects you. Because you are underestimating both of us.

What the hints mean are that:
- You don't think you are worthy of having your needs met
- You don't think that I care about you

And until you ask straight out and wait for my response, you won't have the chance to find out that neither one of your fears are actually true.

2. When you ask, please tell me the whole truth.

Think of it like a doctor. If you lie to a doctor about your symptoms, that doctor will not be able to diagnose you correctly.

I am not a doctor. I cannot be your counselor. But I can and will move heaven and earth to get you connected with the right resources - something I CAN'T do if you are lying to me.

Please don't lie to me about what is really happening. Don't shade the truth about what is going on. I am guessing you are doing that because you think that I will judge you - and yes, again, you fear that I will reject you.

3. If you need something, please don't wait until it is catastrophe level.

Again, I know WHY you are probably doing this. So many of us grew up in chaos, that we just get used to living in crisis level. Once we age out of foster care, crisis still seems very familiar.

So, during the steps before a crisis, when things are just starting to go wrong, we might not think to ask for help then. No, we think we can handle it.

We can handle problem A and B and C... Which means that by the time we ask for help, we are handing the other person an enormous, HUGE amount of problems that have snowballed.

And the message to the other person (or in this case: to me) is "Fix this now. Fix this fast."

Trying to help would have been a lot easier if I'd been asked earlier.

4. When you ask, think about WHEN you are asking.

I can honestly say that: I am no longer addicted to crisis.

In my life, I have worked very hard to achieve stability and safety, not just for myself, but for my marriage and my family.

Do you really need to call me after midnight? Could you call during the daytime?

When you text me at 3 in the morning, are you really expecting that I am staying up all night?

5. I am your friend, but I am not your Savior

And again, this line has been blurred for me before.

When I first aged out of care, there was this guy, Jon. And he was the first person who really seemed to care about and take care of me. We were friends, we dated, we broke up, etc.

But at the time, I had somehow endowed Jon as being my Savior. The big brother I never had. The dad who didn't care for me. He was somehow supposed to fill that entire hole in my heart and make up for everything that I lacked.

And that is WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY to much to ask from another person.

But even after we parted ways, I still kept that guy on a pedestal for years. No one else could measure up.

Finally, I realized that I never even really knew Jon. The real Jon was just a human, fallible, feet-of-clay guy with his own dreams, desires, faults and failings.

But the Jon I knew somehow existed in my mind to help me.

When I figured that out, I regretted the unfair demands that I had subconsciously placed on him.

None of us exists to SAVE everyone else.
We are not building a community of Rescuers.

Hopefully, we can build a community that supports one another, and encourages our members to each take individual responsibility to grow and heal and become more empowered.

And as for me as a leader, as a result of this painful learning experience week, I am seeking to partner with local mental health professionals, so that I can make timely referrals when faced with situations that are over my head in the future.

Designing a Website for Youth Emancipating From Foster Care

A valued friend of mine recently asked my insights regarding designing a web page for young people in her state who are "aging out" of foster care. Here is what I shared with her...

Many sites for youth include low-quality cartoons and Clip Art, rather than photographs. It's almost as if the website designers think that young adults are like children. I believe that teenagers can see right through that. I certainly could!

It's difficult to emotionally identify with Clip Art. If I were designing a young website, I would either provide photos of real-life foster care alumni and/or artwork drawn by talented young people in and from foster care, like the example above.

I would also make the content relevant to survival. When we first age out of foster care, we need to survive. That's why I like this Aussie site, because the list of topics listed at the top of the page are relevant to young people.

When I first aged out of foster care, there was a cycle that I experienced in my life. And, I see that same cycle playing out in the lives of many young people today:

The first step is: Isolation and Independence: "I can make it, I know I can! And I won't have to depend on anyone else either. The one person that I can count on is me."

The second step is: Hitting the Wall. Not having enough money to buy food. Getting involved in a dysfunctional friend/lover relationship, and feeling trapped and without other viable options. Being temporarily homeless - and wondering if this experience will last forever...

The third step is: Gotta Survive. I cannot express strongly enough how powerful this impulse is. It testifies to the power of human survival. When you are hungry and don't have food, your stomach begins to speak, louder and louder. Its growls are persistent; they stop for a moment, but eventually return.

That third step is is a doorway of entry for people who truly care and want to make a difference: Talk to me when I've hit the wall. Talk to me when I'm broken. Because all I can do at that point is listen - and, in that moment, I am just desperate enough to listen to you....

When young people emancipate from foster care, it's like a fork in the road:
- They can be empowered - or disenfranchised
- They can learn to see themselves as 'agents of change' or 'recipients of (government) services'
- They can feel powerful or powerless over their ultimate destiny

One facet of every youth page should be a call to action, and a reminder of personal accountability. People of all ages respond to the level of expectations.

And there should be opportunities to 'Band Together' to make that positive difference, both in our own live and the lives of others. None of us succeeds or fails alone.

Biological Families and Air Mask Analogy

Does this statement sound familiar?

"In the event of an emergency, please secure your own breathing apparatus first before placing one on the person next to you."

When young people "age out" of foster care without being connected to "forever families," they often have nowhere to turn in times of crisis during young adulthood other than their biological families.

However, the issues that led to their being placed in foster care in the first place, such as abuse or addiction, are often still unresolved.

During the 2007 It's My Life conference, Jenny Vinopal, Correy Kitchens, Nayely Araiza and Cynthia Chavez led a workshop entitled: Biological Parents and College Students from Foster Care: Roles, Relationships, and Recommendations.

This workshop was based on the premise that family-of-origin issues can negatively or positively affect the college success of youth from foster care.

Workshop participants were given puzzle pieces that didn't match - in order to demonstrate the difficulty that is sometimes experienced in reuniting with birth families after aging out of foster care.

One presenter shared that when she was in college, her biological mother found out about the stipend and grants that she was receiving and started relying on her daughter to financially support her.

This issue is all too prevalent in my state.
1. A young woman who feels obligated to financially support her (physically abusive) stepmother because of promise that she made to her father while he was on his deathbed.

2. A young man who gave away the laptop he received to his sister and said that he "lost it."

3. A young woman who keeps taking needy people into her apartment, regardless of their inability and/or unwillingness to pay their share of the rent. This situation reminds me a lot of myself at her age.

What's the Solution?
I am currently working on designing a workshop titled: "When Helping You Is Hurting Me."

Premise:
- It is vitally important for young people to develop healthy boundaries.
- When young people first age out of care, trying to save everyone around them right away can be like a drowning man trying to keep other people afloat
- Peer support can be helpful; being with other people from a similar background who are working to create a positive life for themselves and who care about each other

Strengths:
- Young people aging out of foster care have a powerful sense of urgency
- If they invest in personal development in order to personally survive, they can achieve the goals they have for their future
- Part of those goals will undoubtedly be wanting to give back.

But trying to give back right away can cost us in the long run.

Message to Survivors of Foster Care: "Please put the air mask on yourself first. It might feel selfish at the time - but it is NOT selfish! You have the passion, power and perseverance to see this through.... but first, you need to SURVIVE.

"It is okay to do that right now. It is okay to heal personally. It is okay to surround yourself with people who believe in you and support you.

Do you know why? Because if only you can make it through this hurdle and build into your own personal financial, emotional and educational resources, you will have SO MUCH MORE to offer others when you are on your feet. "

Statewide and national conferences are tearing me away...

I apologize to my readers for not posting for a while...

This has been a beautiful, magical, wonderful and amazing year!

It has also been a year during which I have been incredibly busy, and haven't often had the chance to slow down!


In March 2008, I presented at three statewide conferences:

1.) During Youth Advocate Services' third annual conference for private agency foster parents, I and other foster care alumni shared two workshops: Creating a Life Management Plan and Developing the Skills Necessary to Emotional Survival.

2.) The Institute for Human Services is a nonprofit agency that manages the statewide child welfare training in my state. At the their annual training in 2008, I co-presented a workshop titled: Emotional Resiliency: Putting the Pieces Together Before and After Foster Care.

3.) During OACCA's 11th annual conference, young people in and from foster care in my state, and my hero Doris Edelmann and I were both awarded the Virginia Colson award.

In May 2008, I presented at two national conferences:

1.) During the Daniel Memorial Foster Care Conference, I presented a keynote address titled: Life Without Limits: Exceeding Expectations of Former Foster Care Youth, and a workshop on Demystifying Emotional Resiliency.

2.) The 17th annual Colorado Child Welfare conference and the 8th annual Colorado Judicial Issues conference were brought together in one conference in the Colorado Conference on Children and Families. I co-presented two concurrent workshops titled: Demystifying Emotional Resiliency.

On September 2008, the 21st annual National Independent Living conference took place.

I helped with youth pre-conference activities, and presented a keynote address titled: Not Just Beating the Odds, But Changing Them.

I also led a workshop for youth: Sharing Your Story Without Overexposing Yourself, a workshop for adults: Working Together to Empower Youth, and a general session creating FCAA postcards.

During October 2008, I had the privilege of serving on the planning committee and helping to prepare young people in and from foster care for the youth speak-out with legislators at my state's second annual Statewide Independent Living Summit.

I was also able to present two workshops during the It's My Life conference, which was held in Hollywood, California. One was focused on a board game, Real Life 101, that I created for young people preparing to age out of foster care.

I also co-presented a workshop titled Alumni Communities: The Ties That Bind Us Together with Angie Cross and Regeanna Mwansa.

My promise to you is: I have taken a million notes at all of these conferences. I have notes, resources and Best Practices to post in the future.

And I am not going anywhere. My commitment will last as long as I breathe....

Who we WERE and who we ARE today

When do you feel most like yourself? What are you feeling? What are you wearing?

Tonight, I am wearing a dark blue sweatshirt that says "Maxwell Elementary." I have owned this particular sweatshirt since college... It dates back to when I worked at an after-school program at a local elementary school.

This sweatshirt resonates with me on a deep, internal level.

I can remember being nine years old, playing outside and wearing my "grubbies," which included a similar dark blue sweatshirt.

When I was 9 years old, I loved one person the most in all the world. That person was my mother, and she was drifting away...

Cancer was eating away at my mother, like an evil force - determined to rob me of her presence, her comfort and her security. It had diabolical plans to leave me in the hands of my father, who was cold, detached, removed, and abusive - a man I knew didn't love me.

But in my sweatshirt, I felt most like myself. And I knew that there was still time.

Time before my mother left me forever. Time before my father would abandon me... as, deep down, I always knew that he would.

In my dark blue sweatshirt and blue jeans, with a string of fake plastic rubies around my neck, I was ready to wait things out. I knew that ultimately, I was going to survive and kick some a** and make a difference in the world.

I could see the shadow looming above me, but when I looked deep within myself, I knew that I could and would survive it.

So.... tell me, are there any similar outfits, songs, events, etc. that resonate with you and remind you of your childhood, how you survived and how YOU became the amazing person that you are today?

Open the Door to the Future, Closing the Door to the Past

Do you see this tall slab of wood? Today, it is nothing more than an ordinary door. But it will be transformed over the weekend into a vehicle for dreams.

The front of this door will be decorated by young people in and from foster care with their hopes and dreams.

The theme of the statewide independent living summit in my state is: "Opening the Door to the Future."

Later this year, during our Thanksgiving Reunion, the theme will be: "Closing the Door to the Past."

The back of this door will be decorated by young people in and from foster care with symbols of things from our past which, as we move forward, we are going to leave behind.

For some people, this might be anger or bitterness. Others might try to save their biological family at the expense of themselves.

Sometimes we who have experienced foster care feel we are unworthy of love, because we weren't loved as children. We might remember negative predictions that other people have made about the future outcome of our lives, and foolishly measure ourselves based on other people's shortsighted estimations.

These are the kind of things we want to leave behind as we continue to move forward. And, we want to support one another and move forward together.

Many thanks goes to Home Depot to donating this door to the Ohio chapter of Foster Care Alumni of America.

Apply now for HUD Housing Funds for Youth Aging Out of Care

This press release from the National Center for Housing and Child Welfare is the best news that I have heard for a while!

Kudos for this organization for working with Congress to secure $20 million in new funding for the Family Unification Program. I had recently blogged about this very program, wondering why no funds had been issued recently.

HUD to Issue $20 Million in New Housing Resources for Child Welfare Families and Aging-out Youth

This fall, the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development will invite public housing authorities nationwide to apply for $20 million in new Section 8 Housing Choice Vouchers the Family Unification Program (FUP).

FUP provides homeless and precariously housed families involved with the child welfare system with affordable housing and supportive services in order to safely reunite them with their children. As of October 2000, youth age 18 or older who left foster care after the age of 16 are eligible for desperately-needed FUP vouchers as well.

How does FUP work?
HUD’s Family Unification Program (FUP) is administered through local level partnerships between public housing authorities and public child welfare agencies. Public housing authorities administer the Section 8 vouchers to families and youth who have been certified as eligible for FUP by the child welfare agency. The child welfare agency assists clients in gathering the necessary Section 8 paperwork, finding housing, and provides aftercare services to help the household obtain and maintain safe, stable and permanent housing.

How does our community apply for new FUP vouchers?
As early as mid-September 2008, HUD will issue a notice of funding availability (NOFA) inviting public housing authorities (PHAs) to apply for up to 100 Section 8 vouchers for FUP. In order to apply for this funding, a PHA must have a signed memorandum of understanding with the local child welfare agency documenting that these systems will work in partnership to support FUP families and youth. Child welfare administrators interested in FUP should reach out to their counterpart at the public housing authority soon. Once HUD issues the NOFA, PHAs will only have thirty days to submit an application.

How can I get more information about FUP?
For more information about how to apply for and implement the Family Unification Program in your community please visit the National Center for Housing and Child Welfare at http://www.nchcw.org/

National Center for Housing and Child Welfare
6711 Queens Chapel Rd, University Park, MD 20782
Phone 301-699-0151 Toll Free 1-866-790-6766
info@nchcw.org http://www.nchcw.org/