No help unless you are pregnant

Here's the scenario: A young woman ages out of foster care. She enters the adult world, totally on her own.

This young woman enters college, and pursues her education. She has chosen to postpone creating a family of her own until after she has finished school and has the financial and emotional resources to build a healthy marriage and family.

But when she hits a road bump, and needs temporary assistance to get back on her feet, this young lady applies for assistance, and is told she cannot receive help with housing unless she is pregnant.

Now, tell me: "How does this work towards pregnancy prevention? Why should young women be advised to bring unwanted children in the world in order to acquire housing assistance?"

TANF is what we used to refer to as "welfare." The acronym stands for "Temporary Assistance for Needy Families." It was created as part of the Personal Responsibility and Work Opportunity Act, which replaced AFDC, Aid to Families with Dependent Children.

AFDC was a federal assistance program administered by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services between 1935 - 1997. This program provided financial assistance to children whose families had low or no income.

My understanding is that the evolution from AFDC to TANF was part of an effort to provide temporary assistance to needy people, in order to get them back on their feet and provide for themselves.

One of the stated purposes of TANF is: "To prevent and reduce the incidence of out-of-wedlock pregnancies."

You can provide all sorts of classes and instruction about not getting pregnant -- but when you tell a young woman that she has to choose between getting pregnant or being homeless, getting pregnant becomes a method of survival.

Life, as an imperfect human being

A quote that I read in college, two years after I was legally emancipated from foster care, still resonates with me today. I return to it, as an adult, when I find myself battling with inner demons.

Here is the quote:“When I was young, I thought that I had to be perfect for people to love me. I thought that if I ever did something wrong, their love would be withdrawn…

We need to give ourselves permission to be human, to try and to stumble, to be momentarily weak and to feel shame but to overcome that shame with moments of strength, courage and generosity.” -H. S. Kushner, You Don’t Have to Be Perfect To Be Loved

What does it mean to me?
For those of you who have not experienced foster care, remember back to what it was like to be a teenager.

Did you ever say things and haste, and regret them later? Did you indulge in risk-taking behavior? Did you act a certain way to fit in with your peers, which sometimes included behavior that alienated adults?

When this happened, did your parents pack your things and send you someplace else? Did they forever reject you for that behavior, and perhaps never choose to see you or spend time with you again?

For a young person living in a foster or group home, your every mistake can lead to larger-than-life repercussions. Chances are that you will be removed from the place that you are staying and placed somewhere else. Even if the mistake was not yours, even if that mistake was actually perpetrated by the son of the man who owned that group home, you will be blamed.

What does this do to you inside?
It makes you feel that you are unlovely and unloveable. It instills the desire to you to become love-worthy at all costs. You might try to be prettier - in order to be loved. Smarter - in order to be loved. Thinner - in order to be loved.

Do you see how emaciated I look in this picture?
That was how I looked as a 19-year-old college student when I first read this quote. I was trying all those things... to be loved.

I had recently experienced two forms of rejection; one from my father whom I had tried to reconcile with, and another from my best friend-big brother-evolved into boyfriend, who wasn't my boyfriend anymore.

I reacted to their rejection by blaming myself. I couldn't see that there might be something lacking in my father - like courage or emotional strength. I couldn't see that my boyfriend was just a bad match for me. I was chasing after perfection and beating my hands against the wind.

Chasing after perfection
I still do that sometimes. I push myself hard, and I keep my energy level going for a long time. By the end of this year, I will have presented at four national and four statewide conferences in the hopes of improving outcomes for young people in and from foster care.

But trying to be a perfect person can be exhausting.

Some of my goals for the next year are:
- To delegate more and not take everything on myself
- To partner with others and share the workload
- To design workshops that can be shared on a national level... but not always by me
- To train youth and alumni to present at conferences

MLK's Insights and the Foster Care Movement

One more step ahead for the Foster Care Movement happened in Toledo, Ohio today!


While driving to Toledo today, I listened to some of the landmark speeches of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Just as his words rang through the nation as part of the civil rights movement, there are many principles that we can learn from MLK regarding the foster care movement as well...

1.) Importance of a collective voice:
"I want to say that, in all of our actions, we must stick together. Unity is the great need of the hour, and if we are united, we can get many of the things which we not only desire but which we justly deserve."

2.) Urgency - because now is the time to make a difference:
"Then there is another cry. They say: 'Why don't you do it in a gradual manner?' Well, gradualism is little more than escapism and do-nothingism, which ends up in stand-stillism."

3.) Need for our voices regarding legislation:
"And there's a reality; let's not fool ourselves: this bill isn't going to get through if we don't put some work in it, and some determined pressure. And that's why I've said that in order to get this bill through, we've got to arouse the conscience of the nation..."

4.) Sacrificing to make a difference
"There can be no great social gain without personal pain... but we must go on with determination, and with a faith that this problem can be solved."

5.) Making a difference for the next generation:
"Moses might not get to see Canaan, but his children will see it. He even got to the top of the mountain enough to see it, and that assured him that it was coming. But the beauty of the thing is that there's always a Joshua to take up his work and take the children on in."

To read more, please visit:
http://www.stanford.edu/group/King/publications/speeches/contents.htm

First Lady Frances Strickland

On Friday, I had the privilege of attending the Ohio Family and Children First Forum.

This event was chaired by Ohio's First Lady, Frances Strickland.

Ohio's First Lady sees her role as a steward of resources.

Her goal is to streamline and coordinate existing services, in order to better help children and families. Participants were invited to share systems/services that are difficult to navigate, and regulations/policies that do not make sense.

I sat in the front row at this event, and was given the opportunity to to share both my concerns and my availability as a resource to professionals in attendance at the forum.

1.) Systemic issues that I shared:

- Young women who age out of foster care and seek help are often told that they are not eligible for assistance unless they become pregnant.

- A young man, eligible for Medicaid benefits, thanks to HB119, has been repeatedly told for the past six months by the staff member assigned to his case that his Medicaid card is "in the mail."

Meanwhile, this 19-year-old has gone six months without the very insurance that advocates have labored to make available to him.

- Practices that work against young people in foster care by denying them long-term emotional connections, such as changing their birth certificates so that they are no longer legally related to their biological siblings, and not maintaining sibling visitation.

2.) Penny Wyman of OACCA indicated that her top two concerns are transition and coordination:

- There is a need for greater support for youth in transition.

- The mental health, juvenile justice and child welfare systems need to coordinate with one another.

- When transitional support is not available, and when systems do not operate in collaboration with one another, this can be detrimental to both short- and long-term outcomes for youth.

3.) A foster mother, who is preparing to adopt the sibling group of four children in her care, asked why the children's biological parents had been asked to pay for the parenting and substance abuse classes that they were ordered to attend?

She said that, in this case, the biological parents had been neglectful but not abusive. The parents could not afford to pay for the classes, and had became discouraged. Their children were elsewhere, so they decided to drown their sorrows in further substance addiction, and wound up losing custody.

4.) A biological mother of a teenage boy who had spent time in the juvenile justice system was concerned that her son had become institutionalized. When his sentence was up, he did not know how to function in the outside world.

5.) Child welfare professionals asked, "Can we cut down on the obscene amount of paperwork? It is confusing to consumers and takes up time that we could be using for direct service."

6.) Overall, the focus of the forum was on "reteaching the systems," because it seems that the people who are making the rules and guidelines have never tried to access those services themselves.

One forum participant advised having staff members "sample the consumer experience."

This idea reminded me of an old William Hurt movie called The Doctor.

Praise for Glenn DuBois, chancellor of the Virginia Community College

As a former foster child, I am writing this blog entry to celebrate the efforts of one man, who is using his personal summer vacation time bicycling to seven Virginia community colleges, in order to raise funding and awareness for a program to benefit young people in foster care.

Glenn DuBois, chancellor of the Virginia Community College System, knows and cares about the challenges facing the 8,000 young people in his state's foster care system, and the more than 500 teenagers who age out of foster care in Virginia each year, with nowhere to go.

He cares that, even though grants and tuition assistance are available, not enough young people are made aware of these resources.

He knows that less than 5 percent of young people over the age of 18 are willing to remain in state custody.

He understands their desire to provide for themselves and be independent, despite the fact that, "If they would only stay in foster care status - for independent living, federal money kicks in, state money kicks in.... But it's all pretty much left on the table."

In response, the Virginia Community College has launched the Great Initiatives, a transitional education program for teenagers in the foster care system between the ages of 13 - 17 years old.

The specific goals of this program are:
- Help youth complete high school and transition into higher education
- Increase awareness about the value of a community college education
- Increase enrollment in Independent Living Programs
- Increase the number of foster youth who gain employment in desirable jobs
- Pilot after school programs at all community colleges for foster care youth

What sparked DuBois' passion? His past experience as a social worker, years ago, working with foster-care youth shortly after he finished graduate school.

To learn more, please visit this link.

Doctors Without Borders and Plumpy'nut

Photo by Julie Pudlowski, International Medical Corps

Millions of children worldwide die preventable deaths each year because their growing bodies aren’t getting the nutrition that they need.

In Niger, for example, the United Nations reports that 150,000 children under five years old are severely malnourished.

Their mothers are unable to produce enough breast milk, due to poor nutrition. Families cannot afford to buy milk and have no way to store milk, due to lack of refrigeration. Powered milk is useless without clean water.

According to Dr. Milton Tectonidis, the chief nutritionist for Doctors Without Borders, "If you feed (children) well until they're two or three years old, it's won. They're healthy, they can get a healthy life. If you miss that window, it's finished."


So what’s the solution? 60 Minutes reports that Plumpy’nut has produced rapid growth in severely malnourished children.

Plumpy’nut is made of peanut butter and powered milk, and enriched with vitamins and minerals. Each serving is the equivalent of a glass of milk and a multivitamin.

Top 10 Reasons To Use Plumpy’nut to Address Child Malnutrition:
1.) Plumpy'nut is a ready-to-use therapeutic food, requiring no refrigeration or preparation.

2.) It is stored in sealed packets to avoid bacterial contamination, and has a two-year shelf life when unopened.

3.) Families are able to take a week's ration home and return the following week for a weight check.

4.) The alternative is inpatient care in overcrowded centers, which further risks malnourished children's compromised immune systems.

5.) The sweet taste of Plumpy'nut appeals to children, even children who have become anorexic and "lost their appetite" due to vitamin deficiencies.

6.) Peanuts are a good source of vitamin E, a powerful antioxidant that helps to convert food into energy -- and peanut allergies are rare in underdeveloped countries.

7.) The high calorie content makes it possible for children to receive a sufficient amount of energy, despite their shrunken stomachs.

8.) Results are generally seen within two to four weeks.

9.) Plumpy'nut is inexpensive to produce and deliver; a daily dose costs only $1

10.) If more countries are willing to spend part of their food aid on Plumpy'nut, more companies will start making it.

To Learn More About How You Can Help: Please visit:
International Medical Corps
Project Peanut Butter

Stop Child Abuse in Residential Programs for Teens Act 2008

Graph from Maia Szalavitz's article about "The Cult That Spawned the Tough-Love Teen Industry," August 20, 2007.





H.R. 5876 is the first piece of federal legislation seeking to regulate and monitor abusive treatment within teen behavior modification programs in the United States.

Alternately called residential treatment centers, wilderness camps or boot camps, these programs aspire to "reform" teenagers with discipline problems.

However, the treatment that they provide often violates the rights of young people.

Disciplinary measures can include physical or mental abuse, physical restraints and withholding food, water, clothing, shelter or medical care, as a form of punishment. As a result, some teenagers die in these camps, while others emerge with physical and emotional scars.

Jesus Land by Julia Scheeres documents the abuse that she and her adopted brother experienced in a fundamentalist Dominican Republic reform school. Other survivors have been courageous enough to share their experiences in an effort to inspire reform.

The time has come for these programs to be held accountable, and subject to regulation, oversight and standards.

This bill would:
- Prohibit programs from physically, mentally or sexually abusing youth in their care
- Prohibit the denial of essential water, food, clothing, shelter or medical care
- Require that programs physically restrain children only if it is necessary for their safety or the safety of others, and to do so in a way that is consistent with existing federal law on the use of restraints
- Hold the programs accountable by requiring unannounced site inspections at least every two years and imposing civil penalties for up to $50,000 for violations of the law
- Enable parents to file civil action suits if national standards are violated and their child is abused and harmed.

In addition:
- Programs would be required to disclose the qualifications, roles and responsibilities of all staff members
- Staff members would be trained in what constitutes child abuse and how to report it
- Emergency medical care must be made available on-site

This bill is supported by: the Community Alliance for the Ethical Treatment of Youth and the National Youth Rights Association.

H.R. 5876 has passed committee and will be voted on by the full House of Representatives later this month...

A model for Youth-Centered Permanency

Lisa, Kerri and Allyson at Colorado conference

One of my favorite workshops during the Many Voices, One Vision conference was "Youth-Centered Permanency," led by Allyson Coldwell and Kerri Klein.

Allyson and Kerri tackle "cold cases" in which a child has been languishing in foster care for years.

This young person is usually between the ages of 12- 16 years old.

They put on their detective hats and work with that young person to chart all the caring adults in his or her life. The list they generate from his or her answers might include neighbors, distant relatives, teachers, coaches, staff members from previous group homes or residential facilities, etc.

Then, Allyson and Kerri contact those adults, with the young person's permission, and invite them to participate with the young person in a meeting. During this somewhat lengthy process, they stay in touch with the young person because they know that this process can stir up painful emotions.

During the actual meeting, each adult in attendance has the opportunity to make a firm commitment to the young person. This commitment might range from holiday cards, to weekly phone calls, to monthly visits - or even adoption!

I wish this had been done for me during my time in foster care.

Every time I changed placements, I lost contact with every caring adult that I had built a relationship with... Those adults were either forbidden to contact me, discouraged from contacting me, or just didn't have any contact information to stay in touch with me afterwards!

Allyson and Kerri's method struck me as creative, innovative and having powerful potential to increase the circle of support in a young person's life.

Meeting the Governor of Colorado in person

Photo of Gov. Bill Ritter with Lisa

I had the privilege of meeting Colorado Governor Bill Ritter in person this week at the Many Voices, One Vision Colorado Summit on Children, Youth and Families.

This conference is both the 17th annual Colorado Child Welfare Conference and the 8th annual Judicial Family Issues conference. The conference attracted over a thousand participants.

Both the Governor's speech and the workshop presentations that I attended were incredibly valuable... I will be posting further information in upcoming blog entries.

I and two other members of Foster Care Alumni of America presented two concurrent workshops on "Demystifying Emotional Resiliency."

Our audience included: judges, lawyers, guardians ad litem, CASA volunteers, social workers, caseworkers and foster parents.

Each of Colorado's 22 judicial districts were represented at the conference, and posted concrete evidence of what they were doing to help children and families.

The focus areas were: Permanency, Safety and Well-Being.

The judicial participants in this conference were there because they believe in front-end solutions, and dedicate their time to make a lasting and positive change.

As one judicial staff member, who shall remain anonymous, said to me, "It's cheaper in the long run to do things right up front."

And also, "Too often, with government, there's never enough time and money to do it right, but there's always time and money to do it over."

Please stayed tuned to read excerpts from Gov. Bill Ritter's speech, insights about youth engagement in permanency initiatives and to learn how United Way empowered young people in and from foster care to advocate for sibling visitation.

Colorado and foster care

Good things are happening in Colorado, under Gov. Bill Ritter's leadership.

In April 2007, United Way made it possible for a pair of foster care youth to shadow the Governor during "Take Your Child to Work Day."

In February 2008, Governor Bill Ritter signed into law a bill requiring counties to arrange visits between foster children and their siblings if they have been separated and want to stay connected.

But with progress comes inevitable setbacks.

The Colorado Task Force On Foster Care and Permanence was created to address problems within Colorado's foster care and adoption systems.

The intent of the task force was to include foster care youth, biological parents, foster parents, as well as child welfare professionals.

After all, round tables discussions don't work unless the key players aren't invited to the table. Nor do they work if the time, date and location of task force meetings is not publicized.

Can you guess what happened?

California Resources for Homeless Youth from A - Z

I only wish that my state would invest more time and money in youth housing...

Alameda Family Services

Bill Wilson Center

California Coalition for Youth

California Youth Connection

Casa Youth Shelter

Center for Human Services

Center for Positive Prevention Alternatives

Community Human Services

Community Service Programs

Covenant House California

Diogenes Youth Services

EOC-Sanctuary Youth Shelter

HERE - Homeless Emergency Runaway Project

Huckleberry Youth Programs

Interface Children Family Services

Larkin Street Youth Center

Los Angeles Youth Network

Mendocino County Youth Project

New Morning Youth and Family Services

Operation Safehouse

Redwood Region Youth Services Bureau

Salvation Army - The Way In

San Diego Youth and Community Services

Santa Cruz Community Counseling Center

Social Advocates for Youth

South Bay Community Services

Tahoe Youth and Family Services

Waking the Village

Wind Youth Center

YMCA Youth and Family Services in San Diego

YMCA Youth and Family Services in Santa Barbara

Youth and Family Enrichment Services

Excellent Foster Parent Video

Keynote Presentation at 15th Annual Daniel Memorial Foster Care Conference

Follow this link if you'd like to read a portion of my keynote address....

We don't want "your kind" around here

Photograph by Mike Tobias, Port Arthur News



A group of Texas residents appear to be enforcing their own form of segregation, by protesting an all-male group home for elementary-age foster children.

The only "crime" that these children have committed is being abandoned and/or abused by their parents.

They are no more or less likely to cause problems than any other child.

My only concerns are about the all-male staff, and the fact that there will only be two staff members. The staff-child ratio needs to be revisited. Will the children be educated on-site, or (hopefully) attend the local elementary school?

I believe that former foster children should have a voice in the design of group home facilities.

I personally would advocate for both male and female staff members, both male and female residents (with separate sleeping quarters) and definitely more staff members than just two people.

I would also propose creative measure such as:

1. Church members being paired as "mentors" for each child in the group home, after being carefully screened to make sure these adults are safe. A child could spend time in their homes on Sunday afternoons.

2. Proactive community education: In all fairness, after reading through the comments, it does seem that there was a communications breakdown between the church and the community.

When establishing a group home, it is in the best interest of everyone involved - especially the children who undoubtedly feel rejected and stigmatized by these picket signs - to have open and honest communication.

If I were creating a group home, I would present the model at local schools and community meetings. I would strive to answer questions ahead of time, and to keep my answers consistent, regarding:

- How many children would be housed in the facility
- The ages and lack of criminal background
- The qualifications of staff
- The availability of counseling and support

Reading further into the comment section, it appears that community meetings were held and that they did address all of the above questions.

Which makes me wonder why that information was not included in the article, which only quoted sound-bytes from a man who was supposedly an "expert" on group homes... but as it turns out, his only expertise is in juvenile correctional facilities.

Rethinking Orphanages

http://www.merage.uci.edu/~mckenzie/rethink/rethink.htm

Four recurring nightmares that I have...

1.) Back to school: Sometimes, like tonight, I dream that I didn't really get my degree after all... I am informed that I am just one credit short, and because of my oversight, I now have to go back to school and start all over again from the very beginning.

And Lisa, the once-perpetual college student, just doesn't have the energy to go back to school and re-earn my college and graduate degrees right now!



2.) Shopping: I dream that I am at the store, and see all these pretty things that I want to buy. I take them into my arms and my hoarder's soul fills with glee.

It is as if by the very act of holding these beautiful things, I become more lovely myself.

Then I hear my husband's voice in my head asking, "Do you really need all these things, Lisa? Will you even use them?"

One by one, I put them all back on the shelf, and go to the checkout with only one thing in my hand.

3.) 'Save the children' dreams: For as long as I can remember, I have had these intense dreams of children who are running from some unseen enemy and looking to me for help.

The premise of these dreams is that only I can save them.

4.) Sent back to foster care: I frequently dream that my husband and stepdaughters are disappointed with me, so they send me to a group home.

A friend of mine recently asked me about the phenomenon of how our time in foster care can haunt us as adults.

It makes perfect sense that we might try to hold onto people or fear that if we make the slightest mistake, we can lose everyone and everything that we love.

Because that is what foster care is like... If you make the slightest mistake in a foster home/group home, you will indeed be sent elsewhere.

I responded to his question by sharing a quote that has meant a lot to me regarding this issue:

"When I was young, I thought that I had to be perfect for people to love me. I thought that if I ever did something wrong, their love would be withdrawn…

"We need to give ourselves permission to be human, to try and to stumble, to be momentarily weak and to feel shame but to overcome that shame with moments of strength, courage and generosity."

-H. S. Krushner, You Don't Have to Be Perfect To Be Loved

My experience has been that the more loving, caring people that you surround yourself with, the more that wounded, insecure part of you will heal.

Connections of encouragement and acceptance are part of what Foster Care Alumni of America is providing for people in and from foster care all over the nation.

Youth in foster care deserve a voice in court

Dave Jones, a California Democrat, recently introduced legislation to bring foster children into the court hearings that decide their fates after allegations of abuse and neglect.

This bill was designed to address Broken Families, Broken Courts reports that, throughout California, hearings in the courts that oversee the foster care system are often held without the child present.

As its author states: "This bill sends a strong message that kids need to be a more integral part of the system."

Current law gives children the legal right to attend but does not require officials to make a strong effort to get the children there.

This is a terrible oversight because youth people have a very strong viewpoint about what is and is not working in the child welfare system, and can thoughtfully articulate their own interests.

Jones' bill, AB 3051, requires all California judicial officers to postpone hearings if children 10 years old and older have not been properly notified and offered the chance to attend.

Some lawyers are hoping that the language of this bill will be revised so that any children ages 4 years old and older will be able to attend.

One key proponent of this revision is Leslie Heimov, executive director of the non-profit Children's Law Center of Los Angeles.

Her reasoning is that, "For older kids, there's a benefit to the child, but for younger kids there's a benefit to the court. They bring the case alive. They're ruling on a person, not a piece of paper."

Jones said alterations of his bill are expected, and that he intends the age reference to be "a floor, not a ceiling."

Culture Change
In order for this bill to have an impact, a significant culture change will be required in many California courts. Some judges and lawyers believe children can be disruptive, or shouldn't miss school to attend court. Others fear they will be bored or traumatized by things they hear.

I agree with Presiding Judge Michael Nash of the Los Angeles Juvenile Court: "Children are the most important persons in our process. And they should be seen and heard."

Source:
de Sá, Karen. Bill would strengthen kids' voices in foster care court: Bill would require they're told about right to attend hearings. Mercury News, March 7, 2008.

April is Child Abuse Prevention Month

Please visit this site to learn more about the history of Child Abuse Prevention Month, state chapters and free resource packets.

What is Cognitive Dissonance?

Cognitive dissonance is a psychological term describing the uncomfortable tension that may result from:

- Having two conflicting thoughts at the same time
- Engaging in behavior that conflicts with one’s beliefs and self-concept
- Experiencing something that conflicts with everything the person previously “knew” about the world

Cognitive dissonance can be defined as “an internal contradiction.”

We all want to believe that we are good people. So if we do something harmful to another person, we feel that prick of our conscience. Since we cannot live in a state of “cognitive dissonance” for an extended period of time, we have to somehow make it right in our heads.

Our choice is:
- To tell ourselves that what we did wasn’t wrong (denial)
- To tell ourselves that they deserved it (excuses)
- To confess and admit responsibility (best option)

Cognitive dissonance can occur in the minds of neglectful and abusive parents. I can’t tell you how many foster care alumni have come to me and told me about this type of experience.

After being reunited with a parent, a young person might try to tell mom or dad what happened during their time in foster care. Or a young person might say, “Remember that guy you were dating before I left home? Did I ever tell you that he touched me when you weren’t around?”

More often than not, the biological parent will respond, “I don’t want to hear about it.”

Why? Because hearing what happened to their child when that parent was unable or unwilling to care for them sounds like an indictment. They don’t want to look at it. They don’t want to face up to their responsibility in abdicating care for their child.

My father is the perfect example. I rarely saw him during my time in foster care - but when I did, I was always mystified by the fact that he could never look me in the eyes. He always looked away. Later, when I came to him as an adult, to try to tell him some of the things that happened during and after my time in care, including the fact that I experienced rape and homelessness, he didn’t want to hear about it.

He even went so far as to say, “Lisa, we have no way of knowing whether or not those things ever happened to you.”

I had to raise my eyebrows at that comment.

Being the person who experienced those things and survived them, I found it mind-boggling that another person might think that by his denial, he could edit my entire life history, and make those painful experiences no longer exist.

I made up my mind at that moment that I wanted to be a person who could face reality, in all its beauty and all its ugliness, and take full responsibility for my actions.

As a stepmother, if I feel that my reaction to something was wrong, I will go to my husband and stepdaughters and apologize. I will not make excuses for myself — I will just call it what it is: “I have a big mouth sometimes,” and strive to do better.

Sadly, cognitive dissonance can occur in the minds of abuse victims as well. When a parent is the perpetrator, rather than the protector, that clashes with everything that a child instinctively knows.

So, might a child be tempted to do?
- Tell themselves that what the parent is doing isn’t wrong (denial)
- Tell themselves that they deserved it (make excuses for the parent)
- Tell themselves that a parent should be protector, and that the fact that theirs is not, is due that parent’s choice and not a reflection of the child’s worth (best option, but it often takes years for an abused child to recognize this)

The first two reactions can lead to both current and future emotional damage: A child experiencing sexual abuse might try to make sense of the experience by equating the act with love. Later, that same child might grow into an adult who expects abuse from his or her partner.

Now that I advocate for young people in and from foster care, it is so easy for me to see that their parents’ actions are not a reflection of their worth. But, back when I was still in college, it was hardest of all to see that value in myself.

I still remember the moment when I realized that my father’s rejection did not make me unworthy of love. I was reading the quote, “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child and I reasoned like a child. When I became an adult, I left childish ways behind me.”

It occured to me in that moment that if I were ever to grow up, I needed to assert my own worth and not judge myself as unloveable based upon my father’s reaction.

Good Will Hunting
Similarly, one scene from the movie “Good Will Hunting“ has resonated with many foster care/child abuse survivors. Robin Williams (playing Sean, a psychiatrist) is counseling Matt Damon (playing Will Hunting) an abused child.

After holding up pictures of Will Hunting, covered in bruises, the script continues:

Sean: Will, you see this, all this ****?
[Holds up the file, and drops it on his desk]
Sean: It’s not your fault.
Will: [Softly, still staring off] I know…
Sean: No you don’t. It’s not your fault.
Will: [Serious] I know.
Sean: No. Listen to me son. It’s not your fault.
Will: I know that.
Sean: It’s not your fault.
[Will is silent, eyes closed]
Sean: It’s not your fault.
Will: [eyes misty with tears] Don’t **** with me Sean. Not you.
Sean: It’s not your fault.
[Will shoves Sean back, and then, hands trembling, buries his face in his hands. Will begins sobbing. Sean puts his hands on Will’s shoulders, and Will grabs him and holds him close, crying]
Will: Oh my God! I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry Sean!
[Will continues sobbing in Sean’s arms]

CWLA Peer Mentoring

Fostering Healthy Connections Through Peer Mentoring is a program initiated by the Child Welfare League of America and piloted in Louisville, Kentucky. This program trains former foster youth to mentor current foster youth. This common experiences opens the door to a level of trust and openness that often takes years to attain by mentors who have not had first-hand experience with foster care. This program has been endorsed by FosterClub.