Saturday, April 19, 2008

Four recurring nightmares that I have...


1.) Back to school
: Sometimes, like tonight, I dream that I didn't really get my degree after all... I am informed that I am just one credit short, and
because of my oversight, I now have to go back to school and start all over again from the very beginning.

And Lisa, the once-perpetual college student, just doesn't have the energy to go back to school and re-earn my college and graduate degrees right now!



2.) Shopping: I dream that I am at the store, and see all these pretty things that I want to buy. I take them into my arms and my hoarder's soul fills with glee.

It is as if by the very act of holding these beautiful things, I become more lovely myself.


Then I hear my husband's voice in my head asking, "Do you really need all these things, Lisa? Will you even use them?"

One by one, I put them all back on the shelf, and go to the checkout with only one thing in my hand.

3.) 'Save the children' dreams: For as long as I can remember, I have had these intense dreams of children who are running from some unseen enemy and looking to me for help.

The premise of these dreams is that only I can save them.


4.) Sent back to foster care: I frequently dream that my husband and stepdaughters are disappointed with me, so they send me to a group home.

A friend of mine recently asked me about the phenomenon of how our time in foster care can haunt us as adults.

It makes perfect sense that we might try to hold onto people or fear that if we make the slightest mistake, we can lose everyone and everything that we love.

Because that is what foster care is like... If you make the slightest mistake in a foster home/group home, you will indeed be sent elsewhere.

I responded to his question by sharing a quote that has meant a lot to me regarding this issue:

"When I was young, I thought that I had to be perfect for people to love me. I thought that if I ever did something wrong, their love would be withdrawn…

"We need to give ourselves permission to be human, to try and to stumble, to be momentarily weak and to feel shame but to overcome that shame with moments of strength, courage and generosity."

-H. S. Krushner, You Don't Have to Be Perfect To Be Loved

My experience has been that the more loving, caring people that you surround yourself with, the more that wounded, insecure part of you will heal.

Connections of encouragement and acceptance are part of what Foster Care Alumni of America is providing for people in and from foster care all over the nation.

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Comments:
Lisa,
thank you for sharing this.
 
I have a recurring dream where I am "in" a math class that I never really attend and never know what's going on in. Last night, I dreamed that I asked the instructer what my grade was "so far", and he stated it was a 69%, even though I had not been doing work or showing up for class.
 
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