Erikson & Foster Care

While I was at the Foster Care Alumni of America's May Summit, I mentioned the challenges inherent in trying to establish a movement by foster care alumni.

Specifically, we are asking people who have learned distrust, independence and isolation to trust, connect and commit. As foster alumni members discussed policies, strategies and best practices for FCAA, we had to learn to listen to one another with an attitude of openness.

It was a difficult transition from being the "Lone Ranger."

This applies also in the area of marriage. By making a 'lifetime commitment,' a former foster child who has learned not to trust is required to entrust their very soul to another person. A person who might betray them, abandon them or abuse them, as their parents did...

Erikson's '8 stages of man' has significant relevance to foster care:
Stage 1, Trust vs. Mistrust
Stage 2, Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt
Stage 3, Initiative vs. Guilt
Stage 4, Industry vs. Inferiority
Stage 5, Identity vs. Role Confusion
Stage 6, Intimacy vs. Isolation
Stage 7, Generativity vs. Stagnation
Stage 8, Integrity vs. Despair

Regarding foster alumni, I am going to focus on the sixth stage: "intimacy vs. isolation." Several participants at the Seattle FCAA summit, including myself, agreed that this stage is particularly challenging.

Several of us mentioned that, after experiencing problems early in our marriage, the simplest option appeared to be, "Why not just leave?" Leaving is what we know; what we are familiar with; what we have experienced throughout our entire lives. So, why stick around?

One participant confided to me that on her ten-year anniversary, she told her husband, "I've finally decided that I'm in this for keeps." He was quite relieved to hear it. I have a similar story of my own.

Can marital intimacy be enjoyed by the former foster child?
Many barriers often impede this:

1.) Fear and confusion regarding physical intimacy. If the person has experienced abuse, particularly sexual abuse or rape, physical intimacy can be overshadowed by fear or a deep sense of shame.

Or, the person might try to face their fears by heading in the opposite direction: sexual addiction; using sex to "numb out" rather than to connect with another person.

2.) Fragile sense of self. Foster alumni are often plagued with a sense of self-doubt. We truly haven't had the freedom to make mistakes because the consequences for those mistakes were often blown out of proportion. What might be viewed as 'normal' teenage risk-taking for other teens often sent us reeling into a different foster placement.

In addition, moving around frequently makes it difficult to build a rock-solid identity. To please foster placement #5 might require different tactics than pleasing foster placements #2, 3 and 4. Staff or foster parents might perceive you differently, and you find your behavior changing as a result.

In foster care, adapting to each new placement is vital to survival. But, along the way, you might wonder, "Who am I, anyway?" And, as we know, dating someone else when you don't know who you are is fertile ground for codependence.

3.) No roots or safety net. Let's say a young woman ages out of foster care. She's confused about intimacy. She has a fragile sense of self-worth. The first guy she attracts turns out to be abusive. They enter into a codependent relationship. What then?

Will she leave? What if she has become emotionally or financially dependent on him? If she summons up the courage to leave him, where will she live? If she is isolated, who is there in her life to give her wise counsel and say, "Leave this jerk. You deserve better - whether you believe it or not."

Not her father, she doesn't have one. Not her brother, they were separated. If she is very lucky, she might have established a safety net of trustworthy friends. If not, she is on her own.

Foster alumni are at a disadvantage due to their lack of roots. If you were uprooted from living with your parents, separated from your siblings and shuttled from one placement to another, with whom can you share your stories?

Even now, listening to my husband and stepdaughters, I am amazed at the shared history between them. It is something that I have never had.

4.) Distrusting their partner. If you are a former foster child, must your partner win your trust over and over again? At what point will you stop testing him or her?

Perhaps the distrust comes from something your partner has done. You just found out that the love of your life is imperfect. What if his fallibility leads him to do something horrible - like betraying you?

Maybe you think this person must be crazy for loving you. Over the years in foster care and afterward, you've developed a sense of inferiority about yourself. Perhaps your low sense of self-worth manifests itself in body dysmorphia or eating disorders. Or, maybe you just dump the other person before they get the chance to disappoint you.

Intimacy versus Isolation for Foster Alumni
Foster children grow up feeling powerless. After aging out of foster care, independence offers us power. Think of what first comes to mind when you hear the word "emancipation." No one can hurt us anymore. No one can dump us anymore. We are on our own authority.

To entrust yourself to another person requires a leap of faith that the person will love you. It assumes the fact that you realize that you are loveable. To give that much power to another person, after a lifetime of rejection, is scary.

Remember the scene in the movie "Good Will Hunting" where Matt Damon sabotages his relationship with Minnie Dryver? Where might he have ended up if he hadn't chosen to take that rat-trap of a car and drive out to reconcile with her at the end?

Several of us at the summit could relate with Matt Damon's character. But most of us had one thing in common - we were married. We had taken the risk... and with that leap of faith, we found out that we did have (relational) wings.

Attachment patterns, once developed, tend to persist. Patterns only change if experiences change. One of my follow-up plans from the FCAA summit is collaborate with others to develop and lead presentations on this topic for teenagers and young adults aging out of foster care.