When Foster Care or Adoption Separates Siblings

Diagram created by Lisa Dickson

It has been estimated that 80% of people living in the United States today have siblings.

The sibling bond may be the longest lasting relationship most people have; outlasting relationships with parents, spouses or children.

Siblings play a crucial role in the development personal identity and self-esteem. Brothers and sisters can provide emotional support, comfort, and a sense of stability, belonging, and continuity.

During Foster Care Month 2008, a statewide panel of young adults with foster care and adoption histories all agreed that the Family Tree Assignment was the most painful assignment that they had to do in school.

When families break down, relationships become complex and complicated.

Sibling relationships might include biological siblings who were relinquished or removed at birth, half-siblings, step-siblings or current/former foster siblings. Not all couples are married, so a sibling could include: "Mom's ex-boyfriend's daughter."

This postcard is part of Foster Care Alumni of America's ongoing national Culture of Foster Care Project.

Research demonstrates that the sibling bond is stronger between brothers and sister from dysfunctional families.

When parents are neglectful or abusive, older siblings often voluntarily take on a quasi-parental role. In such circumstances, it is common for siblings to nurture and protect one another.

75% of children in foster care in the United States have a sibling who is also in foster care. As a former foster child myself, I might worry more about the sibling who is still at home with the bio-parents.

Some social workers opt in favor of separating siblings who take on a parental role. I strongly disagree with this practice.

Entry into foster care is often accompanied by grief, pain, anxiety and guilt. Many foster children report feeling that "they have lost a part of themselves."

Casey Family Programs National Center for Resource Family Support argues that "informed practice tells us that separating a child who has taken on the role of parent from younger siblings hurts all of the children involved."

The younger children not only lose their parents, but also the older sibling with whom they have developed a strong bond. The older child experiences guilt and anxiety upon separation because he/she feels responsible for the younger siblings.

Research has demonstrated that siblings who are placed together in foster care tend to have fewer emotional and behavioral problems than those who are placed apart. "I relaxed," said one foster child when asked what he did after finding out that he was to be placed for adoption with his older brothers.

Siblings As Survival Unit:

Diagram created by Lisa Dickson

Quote from Time Magazine article; The New Science of Siblings: “From the time they are born, our brothers and sisters are our collaborators and co-conspirators, our role models and cautionary tales, our protective barrier against family upheaval. They are our scolds, protectors, goads, tormentors, playmates, counselors, sources of envy, objects of pride. They teach us how to resolve conflicts and how not to; how to conduct friendships and when to walk away from them. Sisters teach brothers about the mysteries of girls; brothers teach sisters about the puzzle of boys.

"Our spouses arrive comparatively late in our lives; our parents eventually leave us. Our siblings may be the only people we'll ever know who truly qualify as partners for life.”

Diagram created by Lisa Dickson

This diagram was created to illustrate the experience of an adoptee who is separated from his/her siblings.

This adoptee is: Grateful to have found a family. Grief-stricken over loss of the sibling connection(s). Guiltridden over not being able to express this grief to the adoptive family. All these things add up to feeling conflicted.

Five Foster Care Posts for New Visitors

I have been tagged by Nicki Mann from They're All Our Children for a meme.

The idea is to point out five of my previous posts that I think are especially important, and would recommend for a first-time visitor to my blog to read...

Here goes:

Foster children are first and foremost children -- and the desires of our hearts are like that of any other child...

1.) Our personal belongings are important to us, and when we have to travel from one place to another, our possessions should be carried in suitcases, rather than garbage bags.


2.) We love our siblings, and being separated from our siblings is painful.


3.) If we are sad about losing everything that we have ever known, your first response should not be to dull our pain with drugs.
4.) When in doubt, please listen to us. We have a lot to say.


5.) Please give us opportunities to share our talents and give back to our community.

We have a lot to offer... which is a subject that I plan to cover in my next blog entry!

Postcards included in this entry are part of the Culture of Foster Care Project... To see more, please visit Foster Care Alumni of America.

Foster care and sibling separation

Approximately 70 percent of children in foster care in the United States have a sibling who is also in care.

What's a Sibling?
When families break down, relationships become complex and complicated. Therefore sibling relationships might include biological siblings who were relinquished or removed at birth, half-siblings, step-siblings or current/former foster siblings.

Not all couples are married, so a sibling could include: "Mom's ex-boyfriend's daughter."

Importance of Sibling Relationships
Regardless of how complex these relationships might sound, or how tangled the family tree, it is important to recognize the love and connection that might exist between siblings. In a family wherein abuse is taking place, it's not uncommon for siblings to nurture and protect one another.

Separating Siblings
Across the nation, states vary in their policies regarding sibling placement of foster children.

Reasons why sibling groups might not be placed together might include:

1.) Size of sibling group: It's more difficult to find foster families for large sibling groups. Also, agencies have regulations regarding how many children can be placed in a foster home.

2.) Willingness of kinship care providers: Relatives might only be willing to take in children to whom they are related by blood, and not half- or step-siblings.

3.) Special needs of some siblings: A foster home might not provide the resources and support needed by one special needs member of a sibling group.

Grief at the Loss of Siblings
When I was in foster care, I saw my brother once. It was Easter morning, and I had saved up and bought him a basket of goodies. I still remember watching his brown eyes widen at the jellybeans, Peeps and chocolate bunny that I had for him.

I was fourteen. He was eight. We played kickball in the backyard. He ran around the bases at a look of intense concentration... I didn't have the heart to tag him out with the ball.

In earlier years, while my mother was dying, I became my brother's 'mother.' Sure, I wasn't the best surrogate mom in the world. I couldn't cook well, for one thing. But I loved him. When he woke in the night, gnashing his teeth and crying at thunderstorms, I was there. I came into his room and read him stories.

Losing him wasn't just like losing my brother. In a weird way, it was like losing my child.

What Can We Do to Reunite Siblings?
In foster care, when siblings cannot be placed together, it is essential to facilitate regular contact.

Will this be difficult? Yes, certainly.
Is it worth it? Yes, most definitely.
How can it be done? Here are some methods:

1.) Social workers need to create a visitation plan, and involve the children and the adults at their current placements in its formation and evolution over time. This plan needs to include concrete, practical steps and an accountability component.

2.) If siblings are placed in separate foster homes, make sure those homes are in close proximity to one another. Visitation will be more likely to occur if their foster parents or social work doesn't have to drive several hours to facilitate.

3.) Facilitate frequent contact between siblings with letters, email, cards, and phone calls. Make the extra effort to buy stamps and mail the letters, especially for younger children.

4.) Arrange for joint respite care, andnvest in camps like A Camp to Belong (information below).

Allow for Sibling Grief
If children are sad after visiting their siblings, allow them to share and experience those feelings. Listen to them -- but don't use this as an excuse to end the sibling visitation because it's too hard on you afterward.

To learn more about a camp that reunites siblings, please visit: www.camptobelong.org

Source:
Child Welfare Information Gateway
2006 Bulletin for Professionals
Sibling Issues in Foster Care and Adoption

Project Visitation reconnects siblings in foster care

Heii Anderson of Keiki Photography took this picture. Judge Browning is the gentleman in the red tie.

It is estimated that 80% of people living in the United States today have siblings. The sibling bond is one of the most lasting relationships most people have.

Siblings influence one other’s development in very important ways. When parents are neglectful or abusive, older siblings often voluntarily take on a quasi-parental role.

For many children, losing contact with their brothers and sisters is the most difficult part about being in foster care, because they have lost their entire family.

Research has demonstrated that siblings who are placed together in foster care tend to have fewer emotional and behavioral problems than those who are placed apart.

In Hawaii, Project Visitation was created to maintain sibling relationships by coordinating regular visits that give foster children an opportunity to spend time with their siblings and strengthen their bonds and connections to one another.

It is not known how many siblings are separated in foster care in Hawaii, but national statistics estimate the number at 75 percent.

Historical Background
In 2001, child abuse had reached unprecedented levels in Hawaii. Child protective service workers were overwhelmed by the large volume of complaints and investigations. In Oahu, cases rose from 130 to 200 a month and their sexual abuse caseload doubled.

90% of cases involved drug abuse, particularly crystal methamphetamine.

CPS workers felt as if they were under siege. At the time, there were only 184 child welfare workers statewide. Burnout and the lure of better-paying, less stressful jobs were wooing them elsewhere, leading to a high rate of staff turnover.

With all of these other things going on, facilitating sibling visits was not CPS workers’ first priority.

Judicial Involvement
Family Court Judge R. Mark Browning spearheaded Project Visitation. Whenever he gives a talk, he emphasizes the importance reuniting siblings who are placed in separate foster homes.

Established in April 2001, Project Visitation represents a joint effort between Volunteer Legal Services Hawaii, Na Keiki Law Center, the Family Court, Hawaii Foster Parents Association and the Department of Human Services.

The project started on a “shoestring budget.” It is now funded by the Hawaii Court Improvement Project, and has been assisted in its efforts by a $10,000 grant from the Weinberg Foundation.

“The Human Services Department "has kept the level of bureaucracy to an absolute minimum to allow this to go forward," Judge Murray says. “We want kids to have an opportunity to interact with each other.”

How does it work?
- Judges in Hawaii mandate visitation when siblings are separated
- Social workers refer cases of separated foster siblings to the program.
- Volunteers support this mission by bringing siblings together for monthly visits. Each volunteer dedicates 6 hours per month.
- The agency provides volunteers with resources, such as money, car seats, tickets, lunch vouchers, coupons or other items to offset volunteer expense
- The department loans out its eight-passenger vans for the visits
- Community organizations have also planned events for the children to participate in, such as magic shows, trips to the zoo, days at the beach and football games.

"It is such a model public-private collaboration. I can't speak enough about it," said Amy Tsark, Child Welfare Services administrator. "It really supports the foster kids without burdening the social workers."

Sources
Altonn, Helen. Program rebuilds family bonds of children separated: Project Visitation offers joint activities for children separated in the foster care system. Honolulu Star Bulletin, May 28, 2002.
Altonn, Helen. Rise in drug abuse, economics strains push isle child abuse levels to highs; officials say caseloads are overwhelming investigators. Honolulu Star Bulletin, Nov. 25, 2001.
Bank, Stephen and M.D. Kahn. The sibling bond. Basic Books, 2003.
Hawthorne, Lillian. Sisters and brothers all those years: Taking another look at the longest relationship in your life. VanderWyk & Burnham, 2003.
Schooler, Jayne. What parents need to know when siblings are separated. Bergin & Garvey, 2002.

Separating Siblings In Foster Care

Meet Kayla Pettit, 16 years old.

When she entered foster care at eight years old, she was separated from her siblings.

She didn't see her sister again for six years. And as of this date, she has never been in contact with her younger brother again.

It wasn't the state who brought Kayla and her sister back together. Terri Bailey, Kayla's foster mother, took the time to figure out which social worker was handling the case, and contact them. Afterwards, Terri witnessed the tears and joy that took place at Kayla and her fifteen-year old sister's reunion.

Kayla Pettit is one of about 50 Iowa foster youth in a group called Elevate, which empowers teens to educate the public about foster care and adoption. Its members were recently asked to choose and pursue the most important thing that they would like to change about foster care.

They responded by lobbying state lawmakers for legislation that would legally guarantee children the right to visit each other if there's no choice but to divide them up into separate foster homes.

A draft of the bill states:
- If children are not placed together, the social worker will have to explain why not to both the child and the judge.
- If siblings are not sent to the same home, they will be allowed to visit each other.
- Foster parents will be required to attend training on the importance of sibling relationships.

If this legislation is passed, Iowa will be one of the few states in the nation to have such a law. Most states report that they *try* to place siblings together and arrange visits already.

As the director of the Middleton Center for Children's Rights has stated, "The young people we've worked with are saying states need to do more than try. They want to know why they're not being given regular visitation with their siblings, and they think foster parents need training to make sure those visits happen."

I would add that some social workers might need sensitivity training in this area as well.

In many abusive and neglectful families, older siblings serve as caretakers of younger ones. For younger children, their older sibling may be the only nurturing figure they have ever known.

It's not as if we haven't known about this problem for a long time.

As Gordon Johnson, chief executive officer of Chicago-based Jane Addams Hull House Association firmly stated back in 1998, “When we split up foster children from their brothers and sisters, we are taking away the only connection they still have to people they love. This pain literally drives children crazy.”

He added that, “If the siblings are split apart, they don’t have an opportunity to grow and change together."

For more information about Elevate, please visit: www.elevate2inspire.com

To see a video about previous legislation that Elevate has prompted, please visit: http://www.jimcaseyyouth.org/whatsnew/spotlight/spotlight24.htm

Sources:
Editorial: Keep siblings together in foster care: Change Iowa law to make that a priority. Des Moines Register, Feb. 13, 2007.
Jacobs, Jennifer. Keeping foster siblings together. Des Moines Register, Feb. 11, 2007.
Phillips, Christopher. Foster-care system struggles to keep siblings together. APA Monitor, Vol. 29, No. 1, January 1998.
Shirk, Martha. Iowa youth work the corridors of power - and their advocacy pays off. Jim Casey Opportunities Initiative.

Sister saves her youngest sibling from foster care

http://www.silive.com/living/advance/index.ssf?/base/living/1169551908215940.xml&coll=1

Dayton, OH, and their foster youth advisory board

Did you know that Chaffee funds require states to have a youth advisory board?
Neither did Franklin County Children Services (in Columbus, Ohio).

Montgomery County Children Services (in Dayton, Ohio) not only has a youth advisory board, but they have actually listened to their suggestions and brought about positive change.

Initiatives of Dayton's foster youth advisory board include:
1.) A holiday ball for foster youth/alumni. The youth advisory board chooses colors, food and theme. Participants choose a Winter Ball king and queen. This is great because foster youth aren't always able to attend Homecoming or prom.

2.) Sibling outings four times per year: The youth advisory board plans the outings. The most recent one took place at Fear Fest. This is fabulous, because often foster youth rarely get the chance to see their siblings, and if they do, it tends to be in a sterile environment.

3.) Teen Welcome Wagon: When teens enter foster care, members of the youth advisory board come over to meet with them and give them a copy of the teen handbook, along with a $5 McDonalds gift card, and offer their support.

4.) Youth advisory board members train foster parents how to deal with teens.

Supportive services provided by Montgomery Children Services include:- Arranging gown/suit donation for the annual Holiday Ball.
- Hiring a DJ and photographer, so that participants of the Holiday Ball leave with photos.

*Education
Montgomery County Children Services provides a high school program on campus, whereby teenager can earn their high school diploma or GED by participating in a digital program. A laundry and kitchen is provided nearby, for convenience.

*TransportationDoris Edelmann has received funding from PCSAO to buy 10 used cars for emancipated foster youth. Along with it will be provided: 6 months worth of insurance, a gas card and a safety kit. There will be an application process, requiring recipients to have completed driver's ed.

*Empowerment
Montgomery County foster youth advisory board members are sent to either the NILA conference or the PATHWAY conference (or both). Before they go, teens are given $100 gift card for Value City to buy professional clothing.

When Doris takes members of the youth advisory board to conferences, she arranges it so that they arrive two days early, in order to get acclimated and explore the area. They're also given an allowance to spend.