Picture Books About Abuse and Complex Living Situations

HELPING CHILDREN TALK ABOUT ABUSE AND COMPLEX LIVING SITUATIONS

The Boy Who Didn’t Want to Be Sad by Rob Goldblatt, 2004. A boy who doesn’t want to be sad anymore decides that the best way to protect himself is to get rid of anything that could make him sad – but discovers that he is closing off his heart to many of life’s joys as well.

Edwardo: The Horriblest Boy in the Whole Wide World by John Burningham, 2007. When a perfectly normal boy experiences verbal abuse from his caregivers, his behavior goes downhill – until the adults in his life remember to look for and recognize his positive qualities.

A Family That Fights by Sharon Chesler Bernstein, 1991. Henry's parents fight often and his father sometimes hits his mother, causing Henry to feel frightened and ashamed. This book includes a list of things children can do in situations of family violence.

Hands Are Not for Hitting by Martine Agassi, 2002. Children who have been abused or witnessed abuse can mimic what they have seen. This book offers alternative solutions for dealing with anger and frustration.

Hope Is An Open Heart by Lauren Thompson, 2010. A gentle reminder that, although hope can sometimes feel far away, it is always there, and that there are people that a child can go to when he/she needs help. 

Is A Worry Worrying You? by Ferida Wolff, 2005. This book acknowledges and addresses the worries of children and helps the child deal with them through problem-solving and/or telling a trusted adult.

The Magic Beads by Nancy Neilsen-Fernlund, 2007. When Lily thinks about what to bring in for Show and Tell at school, the butterflies in her stomach turn to grasshoppers, bunny rabbits, donkeys and buffaloes. She and her mother are currently staying in a homeless shelter, and she doesn't know what to share.

One of the Problems of Everett Anderson by Lucille Clifton, 2001. Everett suspects that his friend at school might be abused, and doesn’t know what to do, so he asks a trusted adult for advice.

Please Tell! A Child's Story About Sexual Abuse by Jessie Ottenweller, 1991. Nine-year-old Jennie's words and illustrations help other sexually abused children know that they're not alone, that it's okay to talk about their feelings, and that the abuse wasn't their fault.

Sometimes Bad Things Happen by Ellen Jackson, 2002. Mentions some of the bad things that happen in the world and presents some positive ways to respond to them.  

Sometimes My Mommy Gets Angry by Bebe Moore Campbell, 2003. Annie reaches out to her grandmother for help when her mother acts out due to mental illness.

A Terrible Thing Happened by Margaret M. Holmes, 2000. After Sherman sees something terrible happen, he becomes anxious and angry, but talking through those emotions with an adult proves to be helpful.

Lisa's 11th Wedding Anniversary

I safeguard this blog for foster care-related news, including upcoming trends that can positively or negatively impact foster care youth who are "aging out" of foster care and entering adulthood without family support.

However, I did want to mention -- as a former foster child myself -- that current statistics do not reflect the many survivors such as myself who, with support, were able to successfully navigate the murky waters of adulthood, stay afloat and build families of our own.

Everything I do, as a volunteer for Foster Care Alumni of America's Ohio chapter is to forge new pathways in order to change the odds, and promote available resources, so that more former foster youth can "make it," survive, thrive and establish healthy "chosen families" of their own.

Here's to the future 10th - 11th - 20th - 50th wedding anniversaries for today's young people in/from foster care. It wasn't easy for me to get to where I am today - and I don't wanna be here alone :)

State of Homelessness in America

The National Alliance to End Homelessness recently released a report, The State of Homelessness in America, indicating that:

• Homelessness is on the rise
• Youth aging out of foster care are among the four populations most likely to go without shelter
• In the course of a year, the estimated odds of experiencing homelessness for a young adult who ages out of foster care are 1 in 6

No Extended Health Coverage Until Age 26 for Former Foster Youth until 2014

Have you ever wondered 

how emancipated foster care youth cope 

when their wisdom teeth come in 

and they have NO medical insurance?

Health Care Reform for Emancipated Foster Youth


Section 2004 of the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act which expands Medicaid coverage to former foster children up to age 26.  However, this provision will not be implemented until January 2014.

After January 1, 2014, all states will be required to extend Medicaid coverage to youth who have "aged out" of foster care. To qualify, individuals must have been enrolled in Medicaid while in foster care.

Health Legislation Related to the Fostering Connections Act

The Fostering Connections to Success and Increasing Adoptions Act previously gave states the option to expand coverage to youth who have aged out of the foster care system up to age 21.

In response, some states have introduced healthcare legislation related to the Fostering Connections act:

• California: SB 597, Chapter 339 (enacted)
• Oklahoma: HB 1734, Chapter 338 (enacted)
• Oregon: HB 3664 (enacted)
• Minnesota: HB 934 and SB 665 (pending-carryover)

Additional Health Tools, Analyses and Research are available at the Fostering Connections Resource Center.

Healthcare for Transitional Foster Care Youth

Every year, 26,000 youth emancipate from foster care on their 18th birthday - many of whom immediately lose vital medical coverage as a result.

At this point, only 32 states extend Medicaid coverage to foster care youth beyond age 18.

Even when states do extend Medicaid coverage for foster care youth until age 21, actually being able to access that coverage has been a major challenge for many transitional foster care youth. In Ohio, for example, many transitional foster care youth have waited months to receive their card, only to then have their Medicaid services dropped prematurely.

The National Association of Public Child Welfare Administrators has authored an issue brief, Addressing the Health Care Needs of Transitioning Youth, that describes how some States are working to provide health care to youth who are transitioning out of foster care and into independence.

The Fostering Connections Act of 2008 requires States to create and maintain a health oversight and coordination plan for each young person in foster care, in order to ensure that each child receives regular and comprehensive care, access to services beyond his or her 18th birthday, and a medical passport.



InsureKidsNow.gov, a website that offers State-specific information on health insurance coverage for children through Medicaid and the Children’s Health Insurance Program, now offers an online toolkit for professionals.

The National Children's Healthcare Toolkit, designed by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services' Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services contains a variety of information, materials, tools, and tactics to assist in education and outreach efforts.

Wisconsin invests federal stimulus dollars in Transitional Jobs Project

Kudos to Governor Jim Doyle for investing $34 of million of federal recovery funds in transitional jobs to help thousands of people across the state of Wisconsin gain skills and re-enter the workforce - including emancipated foster care youth.

In his latest state budget, Governor Doyle directed the Department of Children and Families (DCF) to create the Transitional Jobs program. The Transitional Jobs  Project targets Wisconsin residents who are not eligible for working family assistance through the state’s W-2 program, including young adults exiting the foster care system.

It's estimated that this project will help create jobs for 4,000 people across the state.

The Department of Children and Families will work closely with 17 local organizations to carry out the pilot project in 38 counties, with the possibility of future expansion throughout the state:

• Goodwill Industries of Southeastern WI, Inc.
• Policy Studies, Inc. 
• Milwaukee Careers Cooperative  
• UMOS
• Milwaukee Area Workforce Investment Board
• Silver Spring Neighborhood Center
• Step Industries
• Racine County Human Services Department
• Forward Service Corporation
• Workforce Development Board of South Central WI
• Community Action Inc.  
• Workforce Connections, Inc.  
• Workforce Resource, Inc.
• Sheboygan County Health and Human Services
• WOW Workforce Development Board
• Northwest WI Concentrated Employment Program
• Indianhead Community Action Agency

  

My So-Called Emancipation: From Foster Care to Homelessness for California Youth

Human Rights Watch has released a new report about California youth in foster care with some startling results: At least 20 percent of the 4,000 who are released from foster care each year end up homeless.

Through interviews with 63 young people who became homeless after leaving foster care, it was evident that factors leading to homelessness include "missed opportunities to learn skills, lack of ability to support themselves, a shortage of second chances, and the fact that no one cared what happened to them."

If you need something, please ask in a timely, honest manner

The following blog entry represents a personal struggle that I have had this week. I am trying to learn from this experience and move forward.

I am always leading workshops and telling other people about defining their boundaries -- but this week was a reminder that I need to maintain my boundaries, too!

I'm trying to formulate:
1. Where are my boundaries when it comes to working with other foster care alumni? Particularly when they are in a state of immediate crisis.

2. What is my role as a leader within my state chapter of Foster Care Alumni of America?

3. How can I better handle situations like the ones I faced this week in the future?

Here are my ideas so far, in terms of communicating my expectations and boundaries to other people...

1. If you need something from me, ask.

Say: "Lisa, I need this: _________"
Tell me what you need, straight-out and give me a chance to say yes or no.

Please don't try to manipulate me.

Don't hint at what you need, and wait for me to figure it out. That disrespects me and it disrespects you. Because you are underestimating both of us.

What the hints mean are that:
- You don't think you are worthy of having your needs met
- You don't think that I care about you

And until you ask straight out and wait for my response, you won't have the chance to find out that neither one of your fears are actually true.

2. When you ask, please tell me the whole truth.

Think of it like a doctor. If you lie to a doctor about your symptoms, that doctor will not be able to diagnose you correctly.

I am not a doctor. I cannot be your counselor. But I can and will move heaven and earth to get you connected with the right resources - something I CAN'T do if you are lying to me.

Please don't lie to me about what is really happening. Don't shade the truth about what is going on. I am guessing you are doing that because you think that I will judge you - and yes, again, you fear that I will reject you.

3. If you need something, please don't wait until it is catastrophe level.

Again, I know WHY you are probably doing this. So many of us grew up in chaos, that we just get used to living in crisis level. Once we age out of foster care, crisis still seems very familiar.

So, during the steps before a crisis, when things are just starting to go wrong, we might not think to ask for help then. No, we think we can handle it.

We can handle problem A and B and C... Which means that by the time we ask for help, we are handing the other person an enormous, HUGE amount of problems that have snowballed.

And the message to the other person (or in this case: to me) is "Fix this now. Fix this fast."

Trying to help would have been a lot easier if I'd been asked earlier.

4. When you ask, think about WHEN you are asking.

I can honestly say that: I am no longer addicted to crisis.

In my life, I have worked very hard to achieve stability and safety, not just for myself, but for my marriage and my family.

Do you really need to call me after midnight? Could you call during the daytime?

When you text me at 3 in the morning, are you really expecting that I am staying up all night?

5. I am your friend, but I am not your Savior

And again, this line has been blurred for me before.

When I first aged out of care, there was this guy, Jon. And he was the first person who really seemed to care about and take care of me. We were friends, we dated, we broke up, etc.

But at the time, I had somehow endowed Jon as being my Savior. The big brother I never had. The dad who didn't care for me. He was somehow supposed to fill that entire hole in my heart and make up for everything that I lacked.

And that is WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY to much to ask from another person.

But even after we parted ways, I still kept that guy on a pedestal for years. No one else could measure up.

Finally, I realized that I never even really knew Jon. The real Jon was just a human, fallible, feet-of-clay guy with his own dreams, desires, faults and failings.

But the Jon I knew somehow existed in my mind to help me.

When I figured that out, I regretted the unfair demands that I had subconsciously placed on him.

None of us exists to SAVE everyone else.
We are not building a community of Rescuers.

Hopefully, we can build a community that supports one another, and encourages our members to each take individual responsibility to grow and heal and become more empowered.

And as for me as a leader, as a result of this painful learning experience week, I am seeking to partner with local mental health professionals, so that I can make timely referrals when faced with situations that are over my head in the future.

Tapping into the vision and passion of former foster children

It has been said that 'a picture is worth a thousand words.'

With that in mind, my husband and I created a video to illustrate what can be accomplished by empowering foster care alumni.

Please take the time to watch this video. If you are a MAC user, this link might work better for you, but might be a bit slow to initially load.

It is an opportunity to learn more about Foster Care Alumni of America, the Culture of Foster Care postcard project, and the recent Thanksgiving dinner at Capitol Hill.

As a former foster child, volunteering for Foster Care Alumni of America is my highest privilege. There are some things that money cannot buy -- and the honor of using your own personal experiences and those of other survivors to make a positive difference is one of them.

The experience is both healing and eye-opening. I used to think that the highest goal was to 'speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves.' Now, I have learned that a better goal is to empower others to advocate, and to stand beside them in order to create a 'collective voice' which is more difficult to silence.

I created the video at the request of a conference facilitator who is considering me as a keynote presenter in 2008.

I am sharing it here, because it demonstrates what needs to happen throughout the United States, and across over the globe. We need to:

1. Dispel the stigma of foster care, and view survival behavior within its context, rather than pathologizing it.

2. Challenge survivors to view themselves not as victims, but as potential world-changers.

3. Listen to the voices of foster care youth and alumni and empower them to initiate change, since they are the 'consumers' of the foster care system.

4. Facilitate the development of foster care youth advisory boards and alumni peer support groups, recognizing that a permanent community can provide healing from a lifetime of broken connections.

5. Make child protection a priority. Thanks goes out to Megan Bayliss and all the authors and readers of Imaginif child protection became serious business.

Former foster kids and our obligations

Recently, a thoughtful and talented friend of mine, whom I greatly respect, asked me:

"Do you think those of us who have been in foster care should feel obligated to be a foster parent for a little bit?"

I started to reply, but my answer got so long that I decided to write a blog entry about it!

I believe that those of us who are in and from foster care should take the Maslow approach:

1.) First and foremost, we have to physically and emotionally survive loss, chaos and often unsafe living conditions. It breaks my heart to read newspaper articles about children who die in foster care or at the hands of abusive bio-parents.

2.) Second, after aging out of care, we have build a base of resources for ourselves. Food to eat. A place to sleep. A plan for the future, such as education and/or a job.

It's okay to try to help other people, and I certainly did at the time.

However, at this point it's sort of like being on a plane and putting the airmask on yourself first, before trying to help the person sitting next to you. If you run out of oxygen, you will perish, and you will not make it to help anybody else.

3.) Third, allow ourselves time to heal. This takes time. It cannot be rushed. And we can't take other people further along the path of healing than we have made it ourselves.

Again, it is okay to help other people during this process -- but it's also wise to build friendships with "not-needy" people. People who might seem sheltered, and at first difficult to relate to because they seem so unfamiliar.

Why befriend these unfamiliar people? If they care about us, they can be part of our circle of restorative relationships.

Speaking as a stepmom, it was hard to be a mother, when I had only distant memories of having a mother myself. One thing that helped was the fact that my friends from college had invited me to spend holidays with them, and those trips gave me a glimpse into another world.

Also, let's be honest, and I am speaking from personal experience here, if you have problems and all of your friends have problems, it's easy to start thinking that the whole world is this DARK and desolate place, with nothing but problems.

And that might feel true, but it's simply not an accurate picture of the world.

As Jack Nicholson sardonically put it in the movie As Good As It Gets: "It's not true. Some people have great stories, pretty stories that take place at lakes with boats and friends and noodle salad. Just no one in this car."

In college, I tended to drift back and forth between friendships with the pretty story, boat-floating, noodle salad people, and my other friends whose boatless, noodle-salad-less lives were more familiar.

I think most all of us who have been in foster care have a deep desire to help others. That is a big part of the premise of what Foster Care Alumni of America is based upon... The entire national organization is rooted in phone calls and interviews with 1600 foster care alumni who all wanted to give back and help 'the next generation.'

But how we choose help is up to each one of us, individually:

- Some of us might (and do) choose to be foster parents.
- Others adopt.
- Others have children of their own, and choose not to continue the cycle of abuse that we experienced as children.
- Many of us volunteer our time and advocate for change.

Just as I believe that there's no "one size fits all" approach to families that break down, there's no "one map" to how we alumni should function as adults either.

The beauty and the glory of foster care alumni is that we each bring our talents, insights, creativity, gifts and passion to the table. We are each very unique - and I love that!

So.... that's my take. I must confess to not always taking my own advice. In college, there were times when I spent my grocery money on other people and then had to make do with condiments from the student center. Really goofy, silly things like that, because I really - really - really wanted to help everyone.

But this is how I feel about it, looking back from an adult perspective.


What do YOU think?

Testimonials from other former foster children

What worked for us:

1.) Seeking higher education

- "Get an education, it may be very easy, or it may be very hard. Some may need to recuperate from the time spent in care first. And some may be ready to hit college immediately."

- "I went to college right away. Though in retrospect I didn't know enough about what I wanted to study, I needed those years to learn to take care of myself."

- "I started college and stayed in school, even during a period of homelessness. I went straight on to grad school. Being in college was like my second childhood, and my friends there were my first real family."

2.) Financial aid (Pell Grants, student loans, graduate internships, work-study)

- "Financial aid, and also getting a job right away in freshman year - it was definitely not glorious, working in the school cafeteria, and there were some terrible nights that I had no money for dinner and had to throw out enormous quantities of unpurchased food, but it taught me to work for my keep and also the value of money, because I knew how long it took me to earn it back."

- "Jobs on campus where I could study (working night desk at a girl's dorm, working day desk at a basketball dorm, working the info desk at the campus student center)."

3.) Developing a network of restorative relationships

- "I learned how to depend on people. I think most of us who have ever experienced foster care had to grow up real, real fast. We needed to learn to be independent and strong much earlier than most of our peers…

- "With age, we are all expected to become more and more independent and so it became even harder for me to ask for help.

- "I had to learn that I wasn’t perfect and that I couldn’t do everything by myself. My life became so frustrating and lonely and desperate at times that I would cry and then hate myself for crying."

- "Luckily, I have friends who are always reaching out for me and helping me when I don’t even ask for it. They wanted me to depend on them… and as I learned to depend on them, that’s when I realized that with dependence comes love. You can’t love a person if you can’t depend on him or her."

4.) Finding your roots and/or developing new ones

- "Try to keep your relationship (or reconnect) with your siblings. They are the only ones that are able to stand by your side and say yes, x, y and z happened and we made it through. Celebrate the triumph of making it out with a bunch of scratches (visible or not), but still having made it out."

- "I thank God for my friends… they have done so much for me. During the breaks when the dorms are closed, a number of people were willing to take me in. I don’t have a real permanent address and when I didn’t have any money to pay for rent some place, I still always had a place to stay, even during the summer. I am incredibly lucky."

- "I joined a fellowship and a church. To tell you the truth, I don’t even consider myself a Christian yet, but the relationships I’ve made in church and small group are truly special. I have never been so content with my life before, and it’s because of the people praying for me and loving me because they believe that God loves me."

5.) Making peace with the past

- "Acceptance, accept that x,y and z is what the situation is. Now what will you do about it? Sit and cry and be full of anger, pain, resentment or stand up and say I refuse to become another statistic. Give yourself time, but not too much time. This one was has been a tough one for me but I've slowly have begun to move on and accept that eh, what is is and I can't change the past..."

- "I went to therapy. It’s funny because I hated therapy when I was in foster care and it never worked for me. But healing finally began now that I was on my own. For years, I blamed myself for everything that happened through the years… I guess I needed to grow up a little to realize that I was only a child."

- "Forgiveness, plain and simple. You will never forget, but you need to forgive to move on. Otherwise you are like a ball of rubber bands about to pop."

- "I made amends with my biological parents recently. I needed to be at peace with them in order for me to move on. I needed to accept and even appreciate who they are, accept the past, accept the present… all this in order to hope for a better future."

- "I made good use of my experiences. I volunteer at a hospital and spend my time there mostly with children with cancer. I also joined a service club and have interacted with all sorts of people. I find these opportunities very rewarding and I feel that my experiences with diversity, my setbacks, my familiarity with loneliness and fear and wanting to be loved… has allowed me to relate to people better and really care for others."

What didn’t work for us:

1.) Constantly trying to rescue others

- "Trying to save people from their bad habits when they weren't willing to put in the work on their own behalf. I kept thinking that maybe they were like me, and needed someone to step in and give them a hand up. It's not always the case."

- "As the oldest child, I burdened myself to “save” my family. For the longest time, I had been carefully planning out what I would do once I was free and on my own… and when I couldn’t meet my expectations, I tormented myself for not being good enough or trying hard enough to save my brothers, who are still in foster care."

- "Bad choice in roommates: She stole from me, got us repeatedly evicted. Yet I thought only I could save her. I thought that because she was from the same group home that I had been, that we were the only ones who could help each other. I was 17 years old - and I was stupid."

- "Just because someone is in pain, it does not mean that staying with them even if you are miserable is your responsibility."

"If your lover controls your money, social life, friends, contact with family... i.e. you cannot do those things freely... it will stay that way until you do something to change it."

2.) Defining ourselves as unloveable

- "A common thing that I have found with other former foster kids is that we struggle with feeling loved, special or wanted; Always wondering or doubting whether we have some sort of meaning, value... a purpose."

- "Even if it's with a spouse, or extended family or with people that say they love you... you still always have that doubt in the back of your head. And because of feelings of abandonment and being "given up" on, I think that's one of the biggest struggles."

- "People will meet your standards. If you expect very little from others... i.e. little respect, little love, little compassion, they will meet your standards. If you expect love, respect and kindness, you will receive those things."

- "Everyone has shame in their hearts. It just doesn't always come from being unwanted, unloved, undesirable. Everyone has their pain; yours was just delivered in a different package."

3) Taking on more than we can handle

- "KNOW yourself and your limits and what stresses you are capable of handling and what stresses and situations that could arise that could screw you up more."

- "The pain from the emotions will hurt so bad at times where you feel like you can't breathe. Be prepared for that and make sure that you take care of yourself. Basically, you will have to be your own parent."

4.) Over-share or under-share

- "Be prepared to feel awkward and scramble to come up with something to say when someone asks you about your real family or where you came from."

5.) Trying to escape through drugs/alcohol

- "If getting high/drunk/etc. are the best things you look forward to in life, you need to figure out if you want to be a drug addict or alcoholic for the rest of your life. If not, it's time to start making a plan."

*Please note: These are insights shared by former foster children who are now current members of Foster Care Alumni of America.

Foster Children Alumni of America

As Ferris Bueller pointed out, "Sometimes life comes at you fast. If you don't stop and look around around once in a while, you might miss it."

This year, my life has come at me fast. 2006 has been a year of wonderful opportunities. I have been interviewed on the radio, for the first of four tapings. My book is progressing, with my agent eager (but patient) for the final draft. I've prepared and led workshops for foster children and foster parents.

In the meantime, I've also been made exempt (non-hourly) at my day job, which means that I often work 12-hour days. Fortunately, my day job as a children's librarian often intersects with my volunteer work as a child advocate...

Where work and advocacy collide:
-Programming for homeless children and teenagers
-Visiting schools in the inner city and getting to know the teachers and students
-Leading programs for teen moms
-Booktalks at residential facilities

So many of the things I do in my day job have allowed me to meet local resources...

Whom I then contact on my own time, to offer:
-Interviews (so that I can promote their services on the radio)
-Free programming for children and teens, in my spare time
-Workshops more specific to foster care needs
-Bibliographies of resources
-Links to mentoring, including contacts for local organizations

The city where I live seems fragmented. Nonprofit organizations have to compete for dollars, which often means competition between organizations, rather than mutual support. There is an attitude of secrecy; a fear that by sharing ideas with another organization, that group might 'steal' the idea and launch it on their own.

This saddens me, because I've always been a connector. When I was in college, I joined countless college organizations. If I met someone who 'didn't fit' with one group, I would invite them to come with me to visit another group. Many of the college students who were drawn to me as a friend seemed to be looking for a support group, and I really liked helping them find the right place for their needs.

I guess I'm a big picture person. If group A can't meet your needs, why not try group B? If church A isn't right for you, go to church B. We can't be all things to all people, and sometimes the mission and goals of one group will be more in allignment with what you need than another. And, who knows? The right fit for you might change over time.

All this is an introduction to say that...

Hopefully, I will finally be able to impact the big picture. My friend Gayle and I have been chosen as a chapter designee for FCAA, Foster Children Alumni of America. I'm traveling to Seattle, Washington at the end of the month in order to attend a summit, wherein foster alumni from states across the nation will discuss national policy regarding foster care.

The focus of FCAA is national policy, not direct service. Therefore, my plan is to:

- Partner with my friend Gayle and working as a subsidiary of her organization, to provide direct service such as housing for foster alumni, on a local level.

-While also continuing my research and advocacy to impact foster care on a national level, through FCAA.

More information about this new and growing organization can be found at:
www.fostercarealumni.org